Rest in Peace, my beautiful boy.
 |
| Bear May 12, 1998 - February 13, 2013 |
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Loving Fearlessly
There
is something so beautiful in the indescribable pain of losing one you loved so
deeply. That tremendous pain reveals to you the glorious depth of that love,
which was fearless of the sorrow that would come when it came time to
part.
Rest in Peace, my beautiful boy.
Rest in Peace, my beautiful boy.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Attachment
From Eckhart Tolle..."How do you let go of attachments to things? Don't even try. It's impossible. Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them."
Perfect message for this time of year, don't you think? Especially when you're a Taurus and are easily distracted by all things shiny and sparkly ;)
Hope these weeks leading up to the holidays are not so stressful and filled with peace and gratitude, with love to my lovelies, kajal xoxo
Perfect message for this time of year, don't you think? Especially when you're a Taurus and are easily distracted by all things shiny and sparkly ;)
 |
| Gift to myself for surviving another surgery..spinner ring by Etsy seller BelViaggio Designs ..love, love, spin spin spin! |
Friday, December 7, 2012
Time Bomb Gone
It's finally gone. My "Adjustment Bureau" has been working overtime to get me to this place, and honestly it feels surreal. (If you've seen the movie, you'll know what I mean, if not, see the movie!)
My thyroid. That ticking cancer time bomb. It's finally gone, and has been since November 15th. I was advised back in 2005 to have it removed, because of all the radiation I've had to that area and because there were two nodules on it. That's how long that time bomb was ticking.
Other (extremely) challenging life situations got in the way, and the surgery took the bottom of the totem pole on the priority list. In 2005 I was going through a very difficult divorce, in 2006 my mother was diagnosed with Leukemia, in 2007 my divorce was finalized, and three months later I lost my mom (love you mom). The year after losing her is barely a grey numb fuzzy memory. My yoga studio and my teacher and sisters helped me through, and that is an understatement. A year later to nearly the anniversary of losing my mom, my teacher finalized months of confusion and pretty much kicked me and many of my sister's booties out the door, as she was following a newer and shinier guru (in her eyes), and those of us not getting in line behind her were not welcome any longer.
That is a whole other blog post(s). I feel a deep connection with the Anusara community in their path to healing. Mine was a different situation, but the challenge and difficulty for my sisters and I was very similar.
Later that year my sternum started crumbling. Yup. My bone just wasn't hanging in there, because of all the radiation I had when I was a pre-teen with Hodgekin's Disease. It went undiagnosed, I was told my skin was forever damaged from the radiation and I would have to live that way for the rest of my life. I was in tremendous pain, I couldn't get on my mat, and without asana practice I leaned very heavily on the teachings of my Guru, and did my best to accept that this was just the way it was going to be.
My Adjustment Bureau (henceforth the "AB") had other ideas though. After a year and a half of living that way, the very best thing ever happened (I didn't know that at the time). I was diagnosed with breast cancer. If you've been reading along you have an idea of what happened, because that's about when I started writing. My AB got me to Sloan-Kettering (SK) in a very round-a-bout way that I will always be grateful for. They saw immediately what was going on with my sternum, they fix them all the time for people like me that had way too much radiation years and years ago (they don't give you so much anymore). So while they are the best of the best for this type of surgery, and for breast cancer surgeries...well they had never had one person present them with needing both at the same time. Hey I know I'm special but sometimes I'm wayyyyy too special. All the doctors had a long talk and they decided to do it. Three surgeons, lots of skin grafts, over eleven hours on the table, days in ICU...and wella! They put Humpty Dumpty back together again. No pain afterward, no cancer, they got it all. And I could take a much deeper breath after the surgery with everything fixed up so nicely. That feels AMAZING. I was a happy camper, a stitched up one, but a very happy one nonetheless.
And more good news...chemotherapy was not recommended for me afterward. They wanted me to take the drug Arimidex for 5 years. Most of my blog posts over the past couple of years have something to do with what the Arimidex did to my lungs, so I'm not going to get into that here...let's just say it made me cough for a year and a half. Really nasty icky coughing, sometimes so badly I thought I would choke and die. And I'm serious. It made me want to die. I finally stopped coughing in June of this year, and have been working to get my strength back and gain weight ever since.
Once I started to feel stronger and had more energy, I finally tackled the garage. There have been boxes in there, unpacked, from when I moved out of my house and into this apartment. That was in 2006. I'm sure you can imagine how that hung over my shoulders. But I could never get it done (see "tremendous life challenges" above). With the gorgeous weather we had, I was out there sorting, dumping, purging and organizing for days and days, and a tremendous carload of donations made their way to Goodwill. What was meant for keeping is now nicely tucked away in plastic covered bins. And that felt AMAZING!
And I also got to do lots of fun stuff that I couldn't do for years, like just be able to go out and do fun stuff because I wasn't in pain or hacking my head off. More AMAZING!
But then it was time to address the time bomb. My head and neck surgeon at SK, who is so totally hip and cool, scheduled my surgery for September 25th. It was very obvious after I left his office that I wouldn't be having surgery that day. No one could get the date right (not even the person scheduling my pre-surgical testing), and other odd things that made me feel that it just wasn't going to happen.
Well, I was right. My AB stepped in and I came down with a stomach flu the day before my pre-surgical testing, with the surgery only a few days after that. Temp and all. And there went the time bomb surgery.
Turned out the AB had important reasons for nixing the surgery. My mom's brother, my favorite uncle, had been fighting prostate cancer for some time. He took a turn for the worse. I hadn't been able to travel since 2008...but there I was on a JetBlue flight down to Florida just a day or so after starting to recover from that stomach flu (on the day I was supposed to be having surgery!). I was able to spend time with him while he was still lucid and he was so, so happy I was there. I was so happy I was there. I was able to stay in Florida until the time came to say good-bye.
I did feel a little like a gypsy because part of my family (including my uncle and one of my brothers) lives in south Florida, and my dad and my other brother and his family live in north Florida, in Jacksonville. So I did some traveling back and forth between south and north Florida with my dad for the month that I was down there.
It was very sad but also so wonderful to be with my family who I haven't been able to visit in years. I was also able to attend the weekend gathering in Jacksonville honoring my Guru's 80th birthday. I couldn't believe I was there as it started, and I started to cry (reminder...takes a lot to get the tears flowing for me). I felt like my AB did extensive work to get me to where I absolutely needed to be...not yet time for surgery, time to be with my family through a difficult time, and time to be with my yoga family for a very auspicious occasion...all which did wonders for my spirit.
When I finally got home I felt stronger and definitely weighed more since I left. Surgery scheduled for November 15th. This time it felt right.
And so here I sit three weeks later, ticking time bomb gone. I had two nodules on my thyroid that we've been watching for a long time...turned out the smaller one did have a tiny cancer in it. It had clear margins around it (surgeon speak for "they got it all out"), and the exact word that my surgeon used to describe it was "inconsequential". It probably wasn't going anywhere, but he was still glad they removed it. I have a nice new scar right across the front of my neck, another battle wound to be proud of. It's healing really nicely and before I know it, it will be a very fine line, barely visible. Blessed and Grateful, and I say that over and over like a mantra, can't say it enough.
And so as I said at the beginning, it feels a little surreal. With the exception of a few basal cells that I need to have removed (again from the radiation, and again had to be low on the priority totem pole), for the first time in several years I don't have anything "big/challenging/difficult" hanging right over me. I can actually make plans! In a week I'll be allowed back to full activity. Could that mean.....yes! Back on my mat! ......Mala making.....absolutely! .....Reflexology..... a definite possibility! (Many people will be thrilled if I can get back to that, especially me!) I'll be taking it slow, staying present and savoring each and every second, filled with gratitude.
And I no longer hear the sound of ticking...the time bomb is gone!
My thyroid. That ticking cancer time bomb. It's finally gone, and has been since November 15th. I was advised back in 2005 to have it removed, because of all the radiation I've had to that area and because there were two nodules on it. That's how long that time bomb was ticking.
Other (extremely) challenging life situations got in the way, and the surgery took the bottom of the totem pole on the priority list. In 2005 I was going through a very difficult divorce, in 2006 my mother was diagnosed with Leukemia, in 2007 my divorce was finalized, and three months later I lost my mom (love you mom). The year after losing her is barely a grey numb fuzzy memory. My yoga studio and my teacher and sisters helped me through, and that is an understatement. A year later to nearly the anniversary of losing my mom, my teacher finalized months of confusion and pretty much kicked me and many of my sister's booties out the door, as she was following a newer and shinier guru (in her eyes), and those of us not getting in line behind her were not welcome any longer.
That is a whole other blog post(s). I feel a deep connection with the Anusara community in their path to healing. Mine was a different situation, but the challenge and difficulty for my sisters and I was very similar.
Later that year my sternum started crumbling. Yup. My bone just wasn't hanging in there, because of all the radiation I had when I was a pre-teen with Hodgekin's Disease. It went undiagnosed, I was told my skin was forever damaged from the radiation and I would have to live that way for the rest of my life. I was in tremendous pain, I couldn't get on my mat, and without asana practice I leaned very heavily on the teachings of my Guru, and did my best to accept that this was just the way it was going to be.
My Adjustment Bureau (henceforth the "AB") had other ideas though. After a year and a half of living that way, the very best thing ever happened (I didn't know that at the time). I was diagnosed with breast cancer. If you've been reading along you have an idea of what happened, because that's about when I started writing. My AB got me to Sloan-Kettering (SK) in a very round-a-bout way that I will always be grateful for. They saw immediately what was going on with my sternum, they fix them all the time for people like me that had way too much radiation years and years ago (they don't give you so much anymore). So while they are the best of the best for this type of surgery, and for breast cancer surgeries...well they had never had one person present them with needing both at the same time. Hey I know I'm special but sometimes I'm wayyyyy too special. All the doctors had a long talk and they decided to do it. Three surgeons, lots of skin grafts, over eleven hours on the table, days in ICU...and wella! They put Humpty Dumpty back together again. No pain afterward, no cancer, they got it all. And I could take a much deeper breath after the surgery with everything fixed up so nicely. That feels AMAZING. I was a happy camper, a stitched up one, but a very happy one nonetheless.
And more good news...chemotherapy was not recommended for me afterward. They wanted me to take the drug Arimidex for 5 years. Most of my blog posts over the past couple of years have something to do with what the Arimidex did to my lungs, so I'm not going to get into that here...let's just say it made me cough for a year and a half. Really nasty icky coughing, sometimes so badly I thought I would choke and die. And I'm serious. It made me want to die. I finally stopped coughing in June of this year, and have been working to get my strength back and gain weight ever since.
Once I started to feel stronger and had more energy, I finally tackled the garage. There have been boxes in there, unpacked, from when I moved out of my house and into this apartment. That was in 2006. I'm sure you can imagine how that hung over my shoulders. But I could never get it done (see "tremendous life challenges" above). With the gorgeous weather we had, I was out there sorting, dumping, purging and organizing for days and days, and a tremendous carload of donations made their way to Goodwill. What was meant for keeping is now nicely tucked away in plastic covered bins. And that felt AMAZING!
And I also got to do lots of fun stuff that I couldn't do for years, like just be able to go out and do fun stuff because I wasn't in pain or hacking my head off. More AMAZING!
But then it was time to address the time bomb. My head and neck surgeon at SK, who is so totally hip and cool, scheduled my surgery for September 25th. It was very obvious after I left his office that I wouldn't be having surgery that day. No one could get the date right (not even the person scheduling my pre-surgical testing), and other odd things that made me feel that it just wasn't going to happen.
Well, I was right. My AB stepped in and I came down with a stomach flu the day before my pre-surgical testing, with the surgery only a few days after that. Temp and all. And there went the time bomb surgery.
Turned out the AB had important reasons for nixing the surgery. My mom's brother, my favorite uncle, had been fighting prostate cancer for some time. He took a turn for the worse. I hadn't been able to travel since 2008...but there I was on a JetBlue flight down to Florida just a day or so after starting to recover from that stomach flu (on the day I was supposed to be having surgery!). I was able to spend time with him while he was still lucid and he was so, so happy I was there. I was so happy I was there. I was able to stay in Florida until the time came to say good-bye.
 |
| Rest in peace favorite uncle, love you always |
It was very sad but also so wonderful to be with my family who I haven't been able to visit in years. I was also able to attend the weekend gathering in Jacksonville honoring my Guru's 80th birthday. I couldn't believe I was there as it started, and I started to cry (reminder...takes a lot to get the tears flowing for me). I felt like my AB did extensive work to get me to where I absolutely needed to be...not yet time for surgery, time to be with my family through a difficult time, and time to be with my yoga family for a very auspicious occasion...all which did wonders for my spirit.
When I finally got home I felt stronger and definitely weighed more since I left. Surgery scheduled for November 15th. This time it felt right.
And so here I sit three weeks later, ticking time bomb gone. I had two nodules on my thyroid that we've been watching for a long time...turned out the smaller one did have a tiny cancer in it. It had clear margins around it (surgeon speak for "they got it all out"), and the exact word that my surgeon used to describe it was "inconsequential". It probably wasn't going anywhere, but he was still glad they removed it. I have a nice new scar right across the front of my neck, another battle wound to be proud of. It's healing really nicely and before I know it, it will be a very fine line, barely visible. Blessed and Grateful, and I say that over and over like a mantra, can't say it enough.
And so as I said at the beginning, it feels a little surreal. With the exception of a few basal cells that I need to have removed (again from the radiation, and again had to be low on the priority totem pole), for the first time in several years I don't have anything "big/challenging/difficult" hanging right over me. I can actually make plans! In a week I'll be allowed back to full activity. Could that mean.....yes! Back on my mat! ......Mala making.....absolutely! .....Reflexology..... a definite possibility! (Many people will be thrilled if I can get back to that, especially me!) I'll be taking it slow, staying present and savoring each and every second, filled with gratitude.
And I no longer hear the sound of ticking...the time bomb is gone!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Eternal Summer
 |
| Courtesy of The Daily Mutts |
Have a lovely holiday weekend, dear ones!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Prayer
"Abba, I abandon myself into your hands...
In your love for me do as you will...
Whatever that may prove to be I am thankful...
I am ready for all, I accept all...
Let only your will be done in me,
as in all your creatures,
and I will ask for nothing else.
Into your hands I commend my whole being...
I give you my self with the love of my heart...
For I love you, my God, and so I need to give...
to surrender myself into your hands...
with a trust beyond measure...
For you are my faithful Creator...
Abba..
Friend..."
(from Prayer at Night: A Book for the Darkness by Jim Cotter) via Caroline Myss
In your love for me do as you will...
Whatever that may prove to be I am thankful...
I am ready for all, I accept all...
Let only your will be done in me,
as in all your creatures,
and I will ask for nothing else.
Into your hands I commend my whole being...
I give you my self with the love of my heart...
For I love you, my God, and so I need to give...
to surrender myself into your hands...
with a trust beyond measure...
For you are my faithful Creator...
Abba..
Friend..."
(from Prayer at Night: A Book for the Darkness by Jim Cotter) via Caroline Myss
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Yes Those Are My Feet!
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| My tootsies in my ToeSox 5 Toe Sandals |
Hi ToeSox! I can't tell you how much I love my 5 toe sandals. They have barely been off my feet all summer! I have neuropathy in my left foot (from chemotherapy for a childhood cancer), my big toe doesn't work like it should and the rest of my toes were curling and scrunching together. Then I got my 5 toe sandals! I saw a difference after just wearing them for a few days. Now after wearing for a couple of months, my toes are no longer scrunched together, are not as curled, and I have gotten a little motion back in that big left toe! And the best part is, they feel sooooo good. Thank you so much for creating these amazing sandals. I would love to have a pair in the Bohemian style, if that is part of the giveaway (and you like my picture!). Then I would be able to have 5 toe sandals on my feet all the time. They honestly have helped me (and my left foot) and my yoga practice immensely. I plan on wearing them all winter with my toe sox! Namaste and thank you, Kajal (of Kajal's Malas)
Karleen Wooster, Christina Shultz Patterson, Rose Mary VasquezTorres Smallwood and 19 others like this.
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Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Clear
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| Rainbow over Rhinebeck, New York |
I haven't posted here in awhile, but I've been tweeting here and there, so maybe those of you reading (except for friends and loved ones) may have thought things were better. They actually were, for a little while. About three weeks. Back around February. I thought I was through it, the damage done by the Arimidex finally healed. But I caught a bug after that, and back on antibiotics, and my lungs being so sensitive still, started coughing again. I started to heal, and the cough seemed to subside...and I was just starting to feel relieved...and then I came down with something else. My immune system has been pummeled so badly, Eric caught a really bad cold, and trying so hard for me not to catch it, trying everything we could...wasn't enough. This time, my lungs wouldn't heal. Antibiotics were not enough, back on prednisone...which you know causes my nervous system to go haywire, totally trips up my anxiety disorder, and crushes my immune system even further. And this time, even with all that, my lungs still would not heal. They got better, but no, they didn't completely heal, and so I was still coughing, and coughing, and well...coughing.
I got to a point where I felt I had an adult version of "shaken baby syndrome", the year and a half of the jerking around of my body from all the constant coughing made me feel as if the connection between my head and spinal cord had been damaged in some way...feeling confused, not with it, couldn't remember things...a feeling of being in a fog most of the time. Along with the exhaustion that so much coughing causes. Including bruising a rib here and there. Makes for some really difficult coughing, definitely not pain-free.
And then came that day, which was incidentally the day before I had my follow up appointment with my oncologist at SK. I could not stop coughing. Not for a minute. It was so terribly bad...and I just could not take it any longer. In speaking to my nurse, we carefully considered having me go to Urgent Care, and the possibility of being admitted. I would give anything for this torture to end...but being admitted into the hospital...really didn't know if I wanted to do that. As long as I could breathe, I really didn't want to do that. So we kept my appointment set with Dr. T for the next day.
And then a very strange thing happened. A strange good thing. When I woke up the next morning, exhausted as I was from the really bad day before, I wasn't coughing so much. Really, I was hardly coughing. I was really happy of course, but relieved that my nurse had heard what I sounded like on the phone the day before, or else they would have really been wondering just how bad it could have been. Dr. T came in and I could see the concern on her face. I know she feels responsible for prescribing the Arimidex, and then not realizing that it wasn't my asthma, but the Arimidex, that was causing the never ending, lungs filled with fluid, cough.
I told her it was better that day, and she looked relieved, but we decided for me to see their pulmonary specialists right away, and have me go for a CT scan. So we set up appointments, but the first new appointment with their pulmonary team wasn't for a couple of weeks. Dr. T's team was going to work on moving that up.
I almost felt like I was cheating on my pulmonary doctor, who has always been so good to me. But I knew that if I would have called him and said my lungs wouldn't clear, he would have prescribed more prednisone, and my body just can't do that anymore. Just can't.
Then another strange, good thing happened. I woke up the next day, and my lungs were even clearer than the day before. And I am so happy to say...so, so happy to say...this has gone on every day since...and with so much gratitude and relief, I can say yesterday was the first day, in a year and a half (except for those precious three weeks in February) that I woke up not coughing. And today was the second day that I woke up, not coughing. I can't begin to explain the peace I am experiencing without all that noise in my head, the calm without my body jerking all over, the settling of my stomach as the coughing would upset my stomach, making it hard for me to eat...I can't begin to explain how this feels. I can take a full breath without coughing. I can do Ujai breath for the first time since all this started. It feels like a miracle, and my eyes are filled with tears of gratitude for this precious gift.
When I spoke to my nurse to tell her this good news, she was so relieved. She confided in me that she and Dr. T were very concerned about me, and very nervous before my appointment that day. She asked me if I had any thoughts as to why things happened this way. The only thing I can think of was, that my lungs had barely healed from the Arimidex when I had those three weeks of no coughing months ago, and then I caught those bugs...too much for my already damaged lungs to handle...it was just taking them a really long time to heal again, to recover in that extra sensitive state. I think that really bad day may have been my lungs pushing through a final clearing. But we'll really never know, and it really doesn't matter, because all I know is...I'm not coughing.
So, even though I am very weak (all my body wants to do is sleep, it's been working so hard to heal), and I know it's going to take a long, long time and lots and lots of hard work to get my strength back...I see amazing possibilites in my future...being on my yoga mat, getting to class, making malas, traveling to see my family and my Guru...and I want to thank all of you for your love and support through all this, coming from all over the country and as far away as Australia (God bless you Lesley), you made the darkest days brighter and my heart swell with the love and healing light being sent my way. And other beautiful, powerful energies that have been surrounding me. Namaste, Jai Bhagwan, many, many blessings...and lots and lots of love to all of you. My lungs are clear, I am not coughing, and I can really, really, breathe.
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