Where's the Buddha?

Buddha under a snow blanket with a snow cap on his head  :)

I think that somehow our weather patterns here in New York got switched with those of Siberia.  Or the North Pole.  Or the Antarctic.  I'm expecting to see a Polar Bear any day now.  And it's still snowing, supposedly all day, through tomorrow with some freezing rain and ice accumulations thrown on top.  Slippery!

For me, I get to look outside and admire the beauty of it, not having to worry about having to be somewhere.  I am really feeling though, for all the people that have had to trudge out in this weather every morning, with the stress of driving in dangerous conditions.  That has to be taking it's toll and my heart goes out to them.

Yes, the Buddha under almost two feet of snow in this pic is the same Buddha from the blog header pic, who peacefully sits under the lovely Redbud tree in my backyard.  Quite a difference in weather conditions!  Spring to winter, how things change.  And not just the weather.  When I snapped that picture in the spring, there was not a thought of cancer in my head, today I'm three months post op and cancer free.  Amazing!

The view from where I sit...just a little snow

I'm expecting that by later today we won't be able to see Buddha at all anymore, but we'll know he's still there.  We may not see him again until spring...along with many more changes in weather, and surely many other things.

A quick update on how I'm feeling...thankfully the pain has been lessening (can I get a Hallelujah!) and I'm taking less and less pain medication.  I took my first drive by myself last week.  It was to the post office, not very many miles away, but in progress for me, it was light years!  What has stunted my moving forward over the past few weeks has been my asthma.  I was coughing so hard a few days ago I hurt my rib...creating a line of pain from my skin graft on my back around the side of my body to my rib cage.  Ouch!  More pain meds.  That has been healing though, and the asthma is not as bad, but it is still not good.  I think I have been inside too much with all this dry air.  I really can't get out much though, because somehow we have been transported to Alaska!  

You may have noticed that the Malachite mini mala disappeared rather quickly, which was nice.  Then one day I was just called to create the Turquoise mala I talked about in my last post.  There was just no stopping it!

I couldn't help myself...Turquoise and Red Jasper, 108 beads

I will definitely take pictures when the Polar Bears arrive, I promise.

There's a mala in my shop! (smile)

Malachite and Black Onyx 27 Bead Mala

Oh I had fun yesterday.  The pain was not as bad, my fingers were itching to play with gemstones and my knotting tool...and a malachite and black onyx 27 bead pocket mala was born.  Pictures taken this morning and up on Etsy it went.  Happiness!

I am finding that for now, at least for a little while, that I should stick with pocket malas, as I start to get tired (and my back starts to hurt more intensely where they removed the muscle) not soon after I've knotted the last bead and finished the tassel.  The creative juices have started flowing again though, as last night a gorgeous combination came to me for some lovely turquoise that I had found last spring.  Up until last night, I hadn't been sure what to create with it... now I know, but it will have to wait as it's meant to be 108 beads.  Not too long though, I hope. 

I had a difficult night last night, my asthma has been acting up the past couple of weeks and so I've been using my nebulizer twice a day...the medicine from which always eventually effects my heart arrhythmia.  Well last night was the "eventually", my heart started banging around in my chest, so I had to take my heart medicine.  After a little while it kicked in and my heart calmed down, but I woke up a couple of hours later in a cold sweat.  I have no idea why, it could be all the medicine in my system (those antibiotics I'm taking are brutal), it could be the hormone blocker, it could be a combination of things.  Who knows.  Later I woke up with my left eye tearing profusely, and it's been bothering me ever since.  It feels like something got stuck in there, but there's nothing there.  So, let's just say that I didn't get much sleep last night.  Eric wanted to get out for a little while today, the sun is out and it's not as cold (imagine, saying 30 degrees is not as cold!  I love NY!), but as much as I'd like to get out too, it's definitely going to be a day to crawl under a blanket with my book.  (Which is very good by the way...I'm reading "Nine Lives - In Search of the Sacred in Modern India" by William Dalrymple.  Absolutely amazing stories.)

So for now I'll be cocooning at home, but progress was made this weekend - there's a mala in my shop!  Hopefully many more to come.

My New Favorite Pants (and yes I'm still in pain)

Cotton Jersey Pants from Old Navy

These are my new favorite pants.  I happened to come across them a little while before my surgery.  I liked them so much I went back to get another pair in the other color, a really dark pinkish color.  I call them my Peace Pants. 

They have been wonderful to wear as I've been healing.  Soft and comfy and peaceful and happy.  Maybe you can find a pair at your local Old Navy, I checked and there are still a few lying around on oldnavy.com.

I hope everyone had a joyous holiday season.  I felt so grateful (and still do) it was all I could do not to burst with gratitude.  I was able to spend time with my dearest of friends, dinners out together, dinners at their homes made with so much love, and meals brought to my home along with special gifts chosen just for me.  Also trips to the movies, as I have amazing friends and loved ones that will come to get me even though I don't live very close by.  I have seen The King's Speech with Colin Firth and Black Swan with Natalie Portman.  Now I am not a movie critic, I liked The King's Speech, it was such an inspiring story, but it did drag a little in the middle (for me anyway, but I'm on pain meds and get sleepy at the drop of a hat).  Natalie Portman was brilliant in Black Swan, and the dancing was stunning, but it was a little too "Psycho" for me.  I honestly prefer to know whether something is actually happening or not in a film, at least for about half of it.  My friend Kathy and I were unsure about three quarters of it, which made for good conversation.  Some images stayed with me for a little too long...I'm not one for horror flicks (real life is scary enough!), and honestly I wish I had taken my friend Audrey's lead when she said "I think that may be a little too violent for me".  I honestly didn't know the ballerina was going to go that crazy!

So yes I am still on the pain medication, as I am still in pain.  As things continue to heal they are pulling very tightly and some mornings are just excruciating.  It is slowly getting better, and the healing of the skin grafts looks really good, so I can't complain.  It won't be this way forever.  I would really like to be able to drive again though, so I'm hoping it won't be this way for too much longer.

I was able to create a pocket mala for Kathy to give as a gift.  One of her yoga students had admired one I had made for her, so Kathy sent her to Etsy and she just loved my malas.  Kathy wanted to give her one as a gift, so I pulled it together and did some knotting.  It really did come out lovely.  It was lavender amethyst and dogtooth amethyst with a lepidolite Guru bead, strung on lavender thread with a lavender tassel.  I'm not posting the pic as it had gotten dark and it came out awful, and I had to hand it off to Kathleen to bring to Kathy's class in the morning.  If you really want to see it though, it is in my "sold" items with all the others in the Etsy shop.

So I was really happy to know that I hadn't lost my knotting fingers.  I just really haven't had the energy or the focus to create more, at least for now.  Again, I hope that it won't be this way for too much longer.  At least I have comfy Peace Pants to wear as I continue to heal.

All Sold Out!

Hello lovelies!  Here is something I never thought I would say...Kajal's Malas has been sold out!  In the past couple of weeks since I re-opened, sweet dear previous customers, and some newbies, dropped by and so graciously supported my shop's re-opening with a purchase (or two!), culminating in the last mala (one of my favorites, the yellow jade and garnet) shipping off today to lovely and sweet Niki (thank you again Niki!). 

Tomorrow I will be attempting to create a 27 bead pocket mala, a request from a dear friend to give as a gift.  It will be a good way to see if I will be able to begin knotting again.  I am a little concerned as my hands are a little shaky, I think from the pain medication (hopefully I will be off it very soon).  In any case I hope I am able to focus in the way that I feel I need to in order to create these sacred pieces (many of you know just how picky I am about my knots, and the kind of energy that goes into them and the mala as a whole).

So I am hoping to fill the shop up again with many more malas very soon!

I hope everyone has an absolutely wonderful holiday season, and the happiest of new years!  Thank you all for your generous love and support, kindness and compassion through such a difficult time.  I am so blessed to be on the road to recovery, and 2011 is so full of promise.

So much love to you all, kajal

Starting to feel more like me...and other good (really good) news

So I am just going to come right out and say it...my oncologist is not recommending chemotherapy!  Of course this has been hanging over me since my diagnosis...whether chemotherapy would be necessary for me, even after the surgery.  During the surgery a sample of the tumor is sent away for an "oncotype test" which is a very special test.  It's complicated but lets just say that it comes up with a number that represents the possibility of the cancer returning.  I am so relieved, grateful, blessed and excited to report that my number fell in the lower area of the midline, so the recommendation is for me to take a drug called Arimidex for five years, instead of a full course of chemotherapy.  In my case the benefits of chemotherapy do not outweigh it's risks.  The Arimidex is a drug that lowers my estrogen, since my tumor was very estrogen sensitive, so they will be monitoring me for the short and long-term side effects, but it will protect my other breast and help prevent a recurrence.  It is apparently being used now in place of Tamoxifen as studies show it to have better results.  I have been on it for about a week now and so far I have not experienced the joint pain that affects many...so far I have just felt like I have been PMS'ing for the past day or two, feeling emotional for no apparent reason (and snippy too, you can ask Eric about that).  Uncomfortable but certainly tolerable compared to chemotherapy.  So amazing to me...I will not have to endure the devastating effects of chemotherapy for a second time in my life.

Yesterday was my last day of home nursing care.  I had the loveliest nurse ever, sweet, kind and such an excellent, professional nurse.  As I mentioned, I've been feeling hormonal so I got a bit emotional as we said goodbye.  She helped me through such a difficult, challenging time.  I will always be so grateful to her.  But the good news is...I don't need home nursing care anymore!

So I am starting to feel more like me every day.  A feeling that I would have never thought possible the day after my surgery in the ICU and for many days after that.  I wake up every day and feel the most immense gratitude to just be in my bedroom, in my apartment, and to be free of cancer, and working on being free of the infection in my sternum.  So, so grateful.  At some point soon I will be on my yoga mat and I am so dearly looking forward to that.

The infection in my sternum...I don't think I've written about that.  My excellent thoracic surgeon removed areas of my sternum that had been affected by the radiation I had as a child and so were damaged and prone to infection.  Of course when they tested these samples, bacteria popped up all over the place.  So while the infected, damaged areas were removed, in order to make sure it doesn't return I will be on a heavy duty antibiotic called Levaquin for about six months.  I take it at night so I can eat during the day, since it does make me a little nauseous.  Again, a small price to pay to be free of  this awful infection that had affected my skin and made me unable to move very much for the past two years.  I thought I would have to live this way for the rest of my days.  I can't begin to say what this means, to have my sternum free of this infection and my skin to be healed.  To say I will have a better quality of life is such an understatement.  I will have a life!

So even though I can't drive yet (still on pain medicine), I think it's time to re-open my sweet little mala shop.  Eric doesn't mind driving me to the post office if I sell any so I can ship (I asked him, which he thought was funny.  I told him that he's not my chauffeur, and he said yes he is.  I said okay but I don't want to take that for granted!).  I really don't even know how many malas were left when I had to put the shop on inactive, I know it's not very many.  But it will be a start and hopefully I will feel up to knotting again soon.

So Happy to Be Home

Hello everyone, I'm so sorry for the "radio silence" that began here on the blog a couple of weeks before the surgery.  I became so overwhelmed and it was really all I could do to keep it together to get myself to the operating room.  Up until the day before the surgery was scheduled for I wasn't even sure if it was going to happen...my plastic surgeon (you may remember him as Dr. D & G) became unavailable (probably for the best) and there was some difficulty in arranging for another surgeon of his caliber to step in.  I was very blessed in that an amazing female surgeon arranged her schedule so she could be there.

The surgery lasted around ten hours, and I did have some "bumpiness" afterward that kept me in the ICU for a few days.  Thankfully though, it was all a success, and the pathology came back showing that they, my amazing team of three surgeons, removed every trace of the cancerous mass.  I have so much to be grateful for.

Nine days later I was on my way home with my Dad at the wheel, who came all the way from Florida to be with me through it all, spending every day at the hospital with me and even staying overnight my first night in the ICU.  Like I said, there was some bumpiness and it was a very difficult night.

I have been back to SK twice since, to see the plastic surgeon and the thoracic surgeon, and they are both very happy with how I'm healing and how the skin grafts are taking.

I will probably write more about it all at some point, but I'm still on pain meds that make it hard for me to focus, and I at least wanted everyone to know that I am home and on the path to recovery.

I have so many people to thank...my lovely friends and sisters for rides to SK, visits to the hospital, amazing meals brought to my home, everyone's love, support and prayers, cards, flowers, balloons...you have all made me feel so loved and cared for.  "Thank you" will never be able to express the depth of my gratitude.  Thank you all so, so much.

Good News!

I have such good news...I just received a call from the nurse in my oncologist's office with the results from my crazy PET/CAT scans on Friday...everything is stable, nothing has spread, and the lymph nodes on my left side have calmed down so I won't be needing the ultrasound guided fine needle biopsy!  Happy dance, oh happy dance!

I will be seeing a Thoracic Surgeon on Thursday, then all the surgeons will be putting their heads together with my oncologist, who I will be seeing a week from today, and hopefully on that day she will be presenting me with a plan for my surgery.

Moving forward!