Almost There, And a Surprise For My (Yoga) Sister

I know I haven't written much in awhile, and I could probably write pages and pages about what has been going on for the past two months.  I really would rather not though.  I am so very blessed that once I got through a few days of antibiotics (see post from back in November), I finally felt the sensation of truly breathing.  Really, really breathing with no coughing, nothing to cough up (sorry, I know, ick) and no wheezing. 

What happened after that though, was pretty bad.  After being on prednisone for so long, and being on (way too much) anti-anxiety meds to tolerate it...I went through a really bad withdrawal from both as I tapered them down.  I was barely functional.  I'm not completely there yet, and am still having some trouble (and I'm still very weak and it's going to take some time to get my strength back) but I can say...I'm breathing!  And I drove for the first time last week, since September.  And I saw my oncologist at SK on Tuesday...and we are not replacing the Arimidex with another drug.  After we talked about what has happened to me, she told me that she thought that what I needed to cure this cancer was the surgery, and that she didn't think "that we would be hearing from this again".  That was such a relief to hear, because I was prepared to say, "You cannot pay me a million dollars to take one of those medicines again.  Seriously, you cannot.".

And I'll be honest...I got a little emotional talking to her about how I lost another year of my life.  And she knows I don't get emotional easily, through everything last year, breast cancer and a 10+ hour surgery, I stayed strong.  She knows I'm not the whining/complaining type.  So when I got a little emotional as I told her about it all, she knew I wasn't being a drama queen.  And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with getting emotional.  It just takes alot for me to get there, personally.

So since I've been off the meds, I can feel them slowly coming out of my system.  My hands aren't shaking as much.  I got a message from a very special customer, asking if I felt well enough to create a few wrist malas for her.  As I read it, I was thinking, well that's a good question.  I looked down at my hands, and well, they weren't shaking very much, so I said yes.  I didn't think I was ready to knot a full mala, but felt I could manage wrist malas.  And then I started to look through my stones to find just the right ones for her...and that's when I started to feel it.  Creative juices running through my veins again!  Oh that felt soooo good. 

It took me a little while to finish them (she wanted four), but once I was done, I felt I had been given that little bit of a "nudge" I needed to start creating again.  Slowly, I did some repairs I had promised long ago.  Each wrist mala I finished felt like such a triumph.  So I have to send out a special thank you to Niki, even though she has heard my thank you's already.  She gave me that push I needed.

Then one day I felt I was ready.  One of my beautiful yoga sisters had left with me, some time ago, a full mala that had broken and needed to be re-strung.  We had planned to maybe change out some of the stones, so it had sat in my mala making cabinet, very patiently.  I think there is another reason why it needed to wait for awhile...it had been created originally not by me, but by our former yoga teacher.  I'll just say she's not our teacher any longer, not for three years, but there was a real challenge for my sisters and I in removing ourselves from a hurtful situation.  So I think that when I say that one day I felt I was ready, it was not only ready to start knotting, but also ready to re-create something beautiful from what once was broken.

So, my beautiful sister Kathleen, here is your surprise...

Rose Quartz and Silver for Kathleen

It did take me awhile, and sometimes my fingers wouldn't cooperate, or I would get tired and I would need to stop.  But I finished it today and I feel I have cleared more than one obstacle, which feels beyond amazing.

I am so happy to say that many mala combinations have started to flow through my head, saying "make me, make me, make me!  I need to come into creation!"

It will be slow moving at first, I know.  Right now I am just so happy to give Kathleen her (newly) knotted mala.  It wasn't knotted before, now it's knotted and is a full blown Kajal creation...knots and tassel and all.

And I can breathe!