Electricity, Antibiotics, and Equanimity

My backyard at about 5pm Saturday, with only about a quarter of the total snow that had fallen by Sunday morning, right before the power went out

We are still without power, but the good news is that we have just found out that our "estimated restoration" has been moved up from Wednesday at 11pm to tomorrow at 11pm.  That will make a world of difference.  The Saturday overnight hours were quite a challenge.  Because we basically live in a pine forest, and are surrounded by many, many trees, we spent the night listening to the continuous cracking of trees and their limbs breaking down all around us.  With every crack there was the tensing and the fraction of a second where you are wondering if a mighty pine will come crashing through the roof, and then the wait for the thud to get an idea of where it may have landed.  Since we did have a bit of damage from just such a thing from the big ice storm a few months ago, I guess you can say we have a little PTSD about it.  We woke to find four very large limbs down, very close to the house, so we feel very blessed to come out unschathed in that way.  We received at least a foot of snow when it was all over.

Our cell phone service also went out Saturday, not long after the power went out.  So, no communication whatsoever.  It was so eerie.  Sunday by early afternoon we were able to venture out, and the damage in my area of Dutchess County, New York was just unbelievable.  There were trees and limbs down everywhere, power lines dangling everywhere.  Really, in October?

We were able to drive far enough to get some cell service and to call our families.  A call to Verizon and we found that a major tower had gone down and they were working on it.  I had service back by about 8pm last night, which was settling to be able to be in touch with family and friends again.

We have been blessed with sunny, 50 degree weather yesterday and today, so our little brick abode has been taking that in and staying warm enough for us to stay.  Today we ventured out to our local Panera for hot food and tea, wifi and sunny windows (thank you Panera, you never let us down!).

And so you would think that the weekend I just described would have been quite a challenge just the way it was...but unfortunately I have to add the fact that as I started tapering down on the prednisone (again), my symptoms started to flare (again).  The combination of it all became overwhelming at one point.  I really started to feel I just didn't want to be here anymore, I could manage storms and power outages and even falling trees around me, but not being able to breathe properly since late January had really started to take it's toll.

And then, at some point yesterday, as I was coughing and coughing, in the dark, wrapped in blankets and hat and scarf...it all just, well...eased.  It is difficult to explain.  I thought of something Gurudev said during his birthday celebration...that Krishna was asked, what is the true nature of the yogi...Krishna replied..."...lives in state of equanimity under all opposing conditions".  And somewhere inside, I accepted that this was all I had to do.  Accept that these were my "opposing conditions", and they were all things I had no control over.  What I did have control over though, was how I would respond to them.  I would pull out my book light, immerse myself in a book (Aleph by Paolo Coelho, which was wonderful).  The word "equanimity" became like a mantra, and everything softened.

My mountain man was running around trying to charge battery packs using the car, to get us some bit of light and maybe start the electric heater, and was not having much success.  He saw me, calmly accepting the situation as it was, reading with my book light, and was inspired to do the same.  It was a calm, peaceful evening.

I increased my prednisone evening dose, called my doctor this morning, and we decided that the next step was for an antibiotic, to rule out the possibility that through all this I had picked up a bug that was not allowing my lungs to heal.  This will be my last step before heading into NYC to my friends at Sloan Kettering, so I would so appreciate any prayers and healing light that can be sent my way.  And, if you could add a power restore by tomorrow evening, that would be so appreciated too. 

Nothing is Missing

Feel the deep, deep contentment of realizing there is absolutely nothing that is missing from the Self that you are.  Connect with that Divine Self at this moment and let that energy spread through every cell of your body...and let go.  
       ~ Yogi Amrit Desai

Yogi Amrit Desai ~ Gurudev
courtesy of Amrit Yoga Institute

Divine Swan

"A swan is always in water, but it is not soaked by the water; it just rests on top of it. Be like a divine swan; be in this world, but not of it. Elevate yourself, and love the entire universe as yourself. This is the highest peak of spirituality." 
              ~ Amma Sri Karunamayi

Amma Sri Karunamayi courtesy of karunamayi.org

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
May all beings in all the beautiful realms be happy

Om Shantih Shantih Shantihi
May all beings everywhere be peaceful

A Very Special Birthday Celebration

This month, my beloved Gurudev, Yogi Amrit Desai, will turn 79.  There is a special retreat event this weekend at the Amrit Yoga Institute (his ashram) to celebrate his birthday.  Some of it will be broadcast live on UStream, I will share the schedule here.  Go here to access the UStream Channel at the event time.  The name of the UStream channel is called "Chandrakant", named for Gurudev's devoted disciple of many years and a senior teacher at the Amrit Yoga Institute, who makes the streaming possible (Jai Chandrakant!).

Here is the schedule:

LIVE INTERNET BROADCAST SCHEDULE E.S.T.
- Friday October 14 - 10:00 a.m. to noon Gurudev
- Saturday October 15 - 10:00 a.m. to noon Gurudev
- Saturday October 15 - 2:00 p.m. to 3:45 p.m. Dr. Vijay Jain on Ayurveda
- Saturday October 15 - 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Satsang and Celebration
- Sunday October 16 - 10:00 a.m. to noon Gurudev

I was able to watch his darshan this morning, and oh how it lifted my spirits to see and hear Gurudev and feel like I was sitting in the room there with him, a room that is truly home for me.  Hopefully I will be back there very soon, and I will be watching all weekend!

Happy Birthday Gurudev, thank you so much for sharing with me the teachings and tools that have made living this life so much easier...you are the ever present light in my heart that will shine always.

Jai Gurudev!

Yogi Amrit Desai ~ Gurudev
Courtesy of The Amrit Yoga Institute

Bringing In The Big Guns

These words aren't easy for me to type...the Medrol didn't work.  It seemed to work for the first couple of days when I was at the high dose, but as it tapered down, it was pretty obvious that my symptoms were not going away.  My last dose was yesterday in the morning, and so I waited hopefully for another 24 hours to see if it just needed a little more time for what was left in my system to finally clear my lungs.  This morning it was evident that I was going to have to call my pulmonary doctor.  My lungs had gotten even worse.

I allowed myself  a few moments to feel "just as I felt" as I waited for him to return my call.  That is, devastated.  I didn't have "feelings" about my "feelings".  I allowed them just to be.  My nervous system is already affected by the Medrol, and my immune system already compromised.  When Dr. M calls me back, he is going to say I will have to go on Prednisone (the big guns).  I am going to be a big mess physically in many ways.  My skin grafts, which can get dry and then painful, are not going to be happy about this.  Prednisone dries them out completely.  It will be all I can do to keep them lubed up with really good lotion so my skin doesn't tighten around me like a boa constrictor.  My nervous system will be obliterated.  My immune system will take another huge hit and I will now rarely leave the house until the course is complete. 

When Dr. M called me back soon after (he is sweet, kind and attentive...I am so blessed to have him as my doc), he of course said that the Prednisone was necessary.  An extended course even, as whatever is going on in my system is beyond stubborn.  I crumbled just a little, asked him, "Dr. M, do you think that medicine could have caused permanent damage to my lungs?".  (See previous post about what is probably the cause of all this...Arimidex.)  He calmly said no, he didn't think so.  That he thought that the Prednisone would clear it this time.  As I thanked him for all he does for me (by the time I called the pharmacy to ask them to call me when it was ready, they already had the prescription request in their computer system), I couldn't help but get all teary.  I am so tired, beyond tired.  Can you ever imagine coughing and coughing, all day long on many days...for nine months straight?

After letting myself feel devastated for a little while, I tried to come back to center.  I can't change this.  I've done all I can do.  Eric ran to pick up the prescription and the first dose is now traveling through my system.  This is my present moment.  Gurudev said this to me when I first found out I had breast cancer: "Give it to God and Guru, and Do The Next Thing".  It has been my go to mantra ever since, it never fails me.  I have surrendered as best I can, given it up to my beloved Guru and the UnNameable...and making my way on to the next thing.

Found Treasure

Well I would have been on my way to Florida right now as I type this, if I weren't still struggling with this respiratory problem that started way back in late January.  It was such a difficult decision, and as sad as I am, I know I did the right thing.  I had some help though in making that decision, something that gave me one of those light bulb moments, and helped me to understand more about myself (always good). 

I found this truly amazing article online, "How Not To Treat Yourself When Chronic Illness Strikes" .  It was written by a woman named Toni Bernhard, who has written a book called "How To Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers" .  I hadn't read the title to the book before reading the article, though.  Which was a good thing.  Because of the "stuff" I carry about my illness(es), I cringed when I did read the title.  But I think Toni would understand why.

found treasure, for me

Back to the article...if you would like to read it first, go right ahead.  It is helpful for anyone living in a human body.  I'll still be here when you return.

Toni was a Law Professor with two grown children back in 2001 when she and her husband took a trip to Paris.  While there, she became very ill with flu-like symptoms.  Probably something nearly all of us has experienced, right?  Get on a plane and catch a bug.  But for Toni, it wasn't just any bug.  She's still sick, ten years later.  Toni has been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS) and Myalgic Encephomyalitis (M/E) which has left her debilitated, rarely leaving her home, or her bed.

I didn't know all this when I read the article.  In it she explains how, after being ill for some time, she tried to do what she "felt" she should do (or really wanted to do), and took a Thanksgiving trip to see family.  She spent the entire holiday severely ill and bed-ridden, admonishing herself.  On her way home her plane was delayed, and the driver of the van that was there to meet her explained how he would have to wait for two more flights to arrive before he could drive her home.

Now for a healthy person, this would be little more than an annoyance.  For Toni, it was devastating.  She laid herself down in the back of the van, shivering and in pain.  She stayed there for awhile, and then had her realization...she would never treat anyone else the way she was treating herself.  As if she shouldn't be sick, that it was her own fault, that she was a disappointment to others.  And then she pulled herself up, went and found that driver, and explained how ill she was...he immediately called and got permission to drive her right home.

I started to cry after I read about Toni's experience.  I was in the middle of doing the same thing to myself, and not being able to make a decision about canceling my own trip.  And I realized, I have been living this way since I was diagnosed with Hodgekin's Disease at 14 years old, and through all the late effects causing me to have medical problems up to now, at 48, including the breast cancer I survived last year, and surely into my future.  I have been shivering, in the back of the van, since I was a young teenager.  I needed to go and find the driver, my driver, now.  Me.

I have a lot of digging around to do since having this realization and shedding those tears...I knew it on some level but Toni's writing really brought it home for me.  I woke up and did what I needed to do to take care of myself, and cancelled my flights.  It was hard, but I stopped beating myself up about it.

I have since read a small preview of her book on Amazon , and found that, not surprisingly, her Buddhist perspectives fit so well with the teachings of my Guru and my path of yoga.  What I read helped me to feel the loneliness and isolation of not feeling well day in and day out drop away, it was so helpful to read the words of someone who understands.  I am waiting for her book to arrive, and am so looking forward to receiving it.

So why did I cringe when I read the title?  Because if you are someone like me, that has resisted this state of illness for nearly your whole life, "sick" is a dirty, four letter word.  Something I have to work on and I'm sure will take some time, if not a lifetime.  But resistance is not part of my path, and now that I am truly aware of it, I am at least back on my path instead of taking many unaware detours off of it daily.

Dear Toni, thank you ever so much for sharing your experience.  I can't begin to tell you how it has helped me, and I haven't even read your whole book yet...so many blessings to you.

Not Quite There Yet (Spoke Too Soon)

So Sad.

Yesterday was a very difficult day, one in a stream of very many very difficult days.  I had to cancel my trip to Florida.  I was supposed to leave this coming Monday, October 10th, spend ten days with my Dad in Jacksonville and visiting with my brothers and niece and nephew, then travel along to my Guru's ashram in Salt Springs (near Ocala) where I was going to spend ten days becoming a Yoga Nidra Facilitator.  Ten days with my Guru and lots of Yoga Nidra...oh what that would have meant for me.  It was a well laid out plan that was concieved in mid-August, when it seemed as though the respiratory problem I've been having was subsiding.  But it got worse again in early September, and as you know if you've read my (novel length) last post, it turned out that a medicine I was taking was causing the problem.

So I've been off of this medicine for about three weeks now, and while I did see an improvement right away (hence speaking to soon), I got to a point where my lungs were much better, but still not healed.  I was still doing a lot of coughing.  And I never had the chance to regain my strength (I thought I was going to have at least a month and a half for that).  After nine months of coughing, I am utterly and completely exhausted, I feel completely beaten up. 

After speaking with my pulmonary doctor yesterday, we decided that my lungs need some extra help to completely clear.  I picked up my prescription for Medrol (methylprednisolone) yesterday and got it started.  I'm not happy about this, it will compromise my immune system and aggravate my nervous system, but not nearly as badly as prednisone would.  So fingers crossed that the Medrol will do the trick, and that I won't have to do a round of prednisone once the Medrol is done.

In a way I'm relieved that the decision is finally made that I'm not making the trip...struggling with the decision for so long was really taking it's toll on me.  But I'm really sad.  Working on acceptance that I'm still in this place, but still...really sad.