Joy and Peace for the New Year

Courtesy of "The Daily Mutts"

Wishing all my dear ones a bazillion blessings for good health, joy, peace and equanimity this 2012...and I'm sending you much love and gratitude for your love and support all year through.  Happy New Year!!  Love, love and more love, kajal

PS ~ Ram Dass and Eckhart Tolle would get a kick out of this, don't you think?  :)

Almost There, And a Surprise For My (Yoga) Sister

I know I haven't written much in awhile, and I could probably write pages and pages about what has been going on for the past two months.  I really would rather not though.  I am so very blessed that once I got through a few days of antibiotics (see post from back in November), I finally felt the sensation of truly breathing.  Really, really breathing with no coughing, nothing to cough up (sorry, I know, ick) and no wheezing. 

What happened after that though, was pretty bad.  After being on prednisone for so long, and being on (way too much) anti-anxiety meds to tolerate it...I went through a really bad withdrawal from both as I tapered them down.  I was barely functional.  I'm not completely there yet, and am still having some trouble (and I'm still very weak and it's going to take some time to get my strength back) but I can say...I'm breathing!  And I drove for the first time last week, since September.  And I saw my oncologist at SK on Tuesday...and we are not replacing the Arimidex with another drug.  After we talked about what has happened to me, she told me that she thought that what I needed to cure this cancer was the surgery, and that she didn't think "that we would be hearing from this again".  That was such a relief to hear, because I was prepared to say, "You cannot pay me a million dollars to take one of those medicines again.  Seriously, you cannot.".

And I'll be honest...I got a little emotional talking to her about how I lost another year of my life.  And she knows I don't get emotional easily, through everything last year, breast cancer and a 10+ hour surgery, I stayed strong.  She knows I'm not the whining/complaining type.  So when I got a little emotional as I told her about it all, she knew I wasn't being a drama queen.  And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with getting emotional.  It just takes alot for me to get there, personally.

So since I've been off the meds, I can feel them slowly coming out of my system.  My hands aren't shaking as much.  I got a message from a very special customer, asking if I felt well enough to create a few wrist malas for her.  As I read it, I was thinking, well that's a good question.  I looked down at my hands, and well, they weren't shaking very much, so I said yes.  I didn't think I was ready to knot a full mala, but felt I could manage wrist malas.  And then I started to look through my stones to find just the right ones for her...and that's when I started to feel it.  Creative juices running through my veins again!  Oh that felt soooo good. 

It took me a little while to finish them (she wanted four), but once I was done, I felt I had been given that little bit of a "nudge" I needed to start creating again.  Slowly, I did some repairs I had promised long ago.  Each wrist mala I finished felt like such a triumph.  So I have to send out a special thank you to Niki, even though she has heard my thank you's already.  She gave me that push I needed.

Then one day I felt I was ready.  One of my beautiful yoga sisters had left with me, some time ago, a full mala that had broken and needed to be re-strung.  We had planned to maybe change out some of the stones, so it had sat in my mala making cabinet, very patiently.  I think there is another reason why it needed to wait for awhile...it had been created originally not by me, but by our former yoga teacher.  I'll just say she's not our teacher any longer, not for three years, but there was a real challenge for my sisters and I in removing ourselves from a hurtful situation.  So I think that when I say that one day I felt I was ready, it was not only ready to start knotting, but also ready to re-create something beautiful from what once was broken.

So, my beautiful sister Kathleen, here is your surprise...

Rose Quartz and Silver for Kathleen

It did take me awhile, and sometimes my fingers wouldn't cooperate, or I would get tired and I would need to stop.  But I finished it today and I feel I have cleared more than one obstacle, which feels beyond amazing.

I am so happy to say that many mala combinations have started to flow through my head, saying "make me, make me, make me!  I need to come into creation!"

It will be slow moving at first, I know.  Right now I am just so happy to give Kathleen her (newly) knotted mala.  It wasn't knotted before, now it's knotted and is a full blown Kajal creation...knots and tassel and all.

And I can breathe!
   

Spiritual Food For The Whole Year

Today is the auspicious celebration of the birth of Christ.  To celebrate, plant one seed of virtue, and do the things that help to awaken the Christ consciousness within you.  Let this one-day celebration be spiritual food for the whole year.

     ~ Yogi Amrit Desai (Gurudev)

Gurudev blessing, courtesy of The Amrit Yoga Institute

Restored

After another day long campout at Panera on Tuesday, as we hesitantly decided to start packing things up to return to our cold and dark apartment, I suddenly had this distinct feeling that I should call our home number.  I had been doing this every once in awhile, to see if the phone would ring instead of go straight to voicemail...what I thought was a sure sign that our power was still out.  And yes, every time it would go straight to voicemail.  But this time felt different.  So as Eric started shutting down his work on his laptop, I dialed home.  Lo and behold...ringing!!  The phone was definitely ringing, the normal number of rings and then to voicemail.  You can bet we started moving a lot more quickly then, straight out the door and straight home with bated breath.  And what did we find...warmth and light.  The electricity must have come back on at least an hour or so before, it was so nice and warm...and also to our amazement, our cable had been turned back on too!  As Eric set off to start a cleanup (that is still not complete) of the disaster that had taken over our home, I quickly called family and friends to share the good news...

And then I went to bed.

Prednisone, antibiotics, coughing, wheezing, no electricity for four days (cold!)...I just collapsed, completely collapsed.

I started to come to a little bit today, and even did a little dusting and straightening which is so sorely needed around here.  I haven't been able to do very much of anything since this whole respiratory problem started months and months ago.

But I am going to share what I think may be some good news...and I'm almost afraid to say it.  I think the antibiotics, along with the prednisone, have started to work.  That is all I'm going to say for now, just that there seems to be a clearing going on.  So I'm sending a giant thank you hug to all who answered my call for healing light, and the return of electricity to our home...one has definitely been restored, and the other is looking like a good, good possibilty...

Electricity, Antibiotics, and Equanimity

My backyard at about 5pm Saturday, with only about a quarter of the total snow that had fallen by Sunday morning, right before the power went out

We are still without power, but the good news is that we have just found out that our "estimated restoration" has been moved up from Wednesday at 11pm to tomorrow at 11pm.  That will make a world of difference.  The Saturday overnight hours were quite a challenge.  Because we basically live in a pine forest, and are surrounded by many, many trees, we spent the night listening to the continuous cracking of trees and their limbs breaking down all around us.  With every crack there was the tensing and the fraction of a second where you are wondering if a mighty pine will come crashing through the roof, and then the wait for the thud to get an idea of where it may have landed.  Since we did have a bit of damage from just such a thing from the big ice storm a few months ago, I guess you can say we have a little PTSD about it.  We woke to find four very large limbs down, very close to the house, so we feel very blessed to come out unschathed in that way.  We received at least a foot of snow when it was all over.

Our cell phone service also went out Saturday, not long after the power went out.  So, no communication whatsoever.  It was so eerie.  Sunday by early afternoon we were able to venture out, and the damage in my area of Dutchess County, New York was just unbelievable.  There were trees and limbs down everywhere, power lines dangling everywhere.  Really, in October?

We were able to drive far enough to get some cell service and to call our families.  A call to Verizon and we found that a major tower had gone down and they were working on it.  I had service back by about 8pm last night, which was settling to be able to be in touch with family and friends again.

We have been blessed with sunny, 50 degree weather yesterday and today, so our little brick abode has been taking that in and staying warm enough for us to stay.  Today we ventured out to our local Panera for hot food and tea, wifi and sunny windows (thank you Panera, you never let us down!).

And so you would think that the weekend I just described would have been quite a challenge just the way it was...but unfortunately I have to add the fact that as I started tapering down on the prednisone (again), my symptoms started to flare (again).  The combination of it all became overwhelming at one point.  I really started to feel I just didn't want to be here anymore, I could manage storms and power outages and even falling trees around me, but not being able to breathe properly since late January had really started to take it's toll.

And then, at some point yesterday, as I was coughing and coughing, in the dark, wrapped in blankets and hat and scarf...it all just, well...eased.  It is difficult to explain.  I thought of something Gurudev said during his birthday celebration...that Krishna was asked, what is the true nature of the yogi...Krishna replied..."...lives in state of equanimity under all opposing conditions".  And somewhere inside, I accepted that this was all I had to do.  Accept that these were my "opposing conditions", and they were all things I had no control over.  What I did have control over though, was how I would respond to them.  I would pull out my book light, immerse myself in a book (Aleph by Paolo Coelho, which was wonderful).  The word "equanimity" became like a mantra, and everything softened.

My mountain man was running around trying to charge battery packs using the car, to get us some bit of light and maybe start the electric heater, and was not having much success.  He saw me, calmly accepting the situation as it was, reading with my book light, and was inspired to do the same.  It was a calm, peaceful evening.

I increased my prednisone evening dose, called my doctor this morning, and we decided that the next step was for an antibiotic, to rule out the possibility that through all this I had picked up a bug that was not allowing my lungs to heal.  This will be my last step before heading into NYC to my friends at Sloan Kettering, so I would so appreciate any prayers and healing light that can be sent my way.  And, if you could add a power restore by tomorrow evening, that would be so appreciated too. 

Nothing is Missing

Feel the deep, deep contentment of realizing there is absolutely nothing that is missing from the Self that you are.  Connect with that Divine Self at this moment and let that energy spread through every cell of your body...and let go.  
       ~ Yogi Amrit Desai

Yogi Amrit Desai ~ Gurudev
courtesy of Amrit Yoga Institute

Divine Swan

"A swan is always in water, but it is not soaked by the water; it just rests on top of it. Be like a divine swan; be in this world, but not of it. Elevate yourself, and love the entire universe as yourself. This is the highest peak of spirituality." 
              ~ Amma Sri Karunamayi

Amma Sri Karunamayi courtesy of karunamayi.org

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
May all beings in all the beautiful realms be happy

Om Shantih Shantih Shantihi
May all beings everywhere be peaceful

A Very Special Birthday Celebration

This month, my beloved Gurudev, Yogi Amrit Desai, will turn 79.  There is a special retreat event this weekend at the Amrit Yoga Institute (his ashram) to celebrate his birthday.  Some of it will be broadcast live on UStream, I will share the schedule here.  Go here to access the UStream Channel at the event time.  The name of the UStream channel is called "Chandrakant", named for Gurudev's devoted disciple of many years and a senior teacher at the Amrit Yoga Institute, who makes the streaming possible (Jai Chandrakant!).

Here is the schedule:

LIVE INTERNET BROADCAST SCHEDULE E.S.T.
- Friday October 14 - 10:00 a.m. to noon Gurudev
- Saturday October 15 - 10:00 a.m. to noon Gurudev
- Saturday October 15 - 2:00 p.m. to 3:45 p.m. Dr. Vijay Jain on Ayurveda
- Saturday October 15 - 7:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. Satsang and Celebration
- Sunday October 16 - 10:00 a.m. to noon Gurudev

I was able to watch his darshan this morning, and oh how it lifted my spirits to see and hear Gurudev and feel like I was sitting in the room there with him, a room that is truly home for me.  Hopefully I will be back there very soon, and I will be watching all weekend!

Happy Birthday Gurudev, thank you so much for sharing with me the teachings and tools that have made living this life so much easier...you are the ever present light in my heart that will shine always.

Jai Gurudev!

Yogi Amrit Desai ~ Gurudev
Courtesy of The Amrit Yoga Institute

Bringing In The Big Guns

These words aren't easy for me to type...the Medrol didn't work.  It seemed to work for the first couple of days when I was at the high dose, but as it tapered down, it was pretty obvious that my symptoms were not going away.  My last dose was yesterday in the morning, and so I waited hopefully for another 24 hours to see if it just needed a little more time for what was left in my system to finally clear my lungs.  This morning it was evident that I was going to have to call my pulmonary doctor.  My lungs had gotten even worse.

I allowed myself  a few moments to feel "just as I felt" as I waited for him to return my call.  That is, devastated.  I didn't have "feelings" about my "feelings".  I allowed them just to be.  My nervous system is already affected by the Medrol, and my immune system already compromised.  When Dr. M calls me back, he is going to say I will have to go on Prednisone (the big guns).  I am going to be a big mess physically in many ways.  My skin grafts, which can get dry and then painful, are not going to be happy about this.  Prednisone dries them out completely.  It will be all I can do to keep them lubed up with really good lotion so my skin doesn't tighten around me like a boa constrictor.  My nervous system will be obliterated.  My immune system will take another huge hit and I will now rarely leave the house until the course is complete. 

When Dr. M called me back soon after (he is sweet, kind and attentive...I am so blessed to have him as my doc), he of course said that the Prednisone was necessary.  An extended course even, as whatever is going on in my system is beyond stubborn.  I crumbled just a little, asked him, "Dr. M, do you think that medicine could have caused permanent damage to my lungs?".  (See previous post about what is probably the cause of all this...Arimidex.)  He calmly said no, he didn't think so.  That he thought that the Prednisone would clear it this time.  As I thanked him for all he does for me (by the time I called the pharmacy to ask them to call me when it was ready, they already had the prescription request in their computer system), I couldn't help but get all teary.  I am so tired, beyond tired.  Can you ever imagine coughing and coughing, all day long on many days...for nine months straight?

After letting myself feel devastated for a little while, I tried to come back to center.  I can't change this.  I've done all I can do.  Eric ran to pick up the prescription and the first dose is now traveling through my system.  This is my present moment.  Gurudev said this to me when I first found out I had breast cancer: "Give it to God and Guru, and Do The Next Thing".  It has been my go to mantra ever since, it never fails me.  I have surrendered as best I can, given it up to my beloved Guru and the UnNameable...and making my way on to the next thing.

Found Treasure

Well I would have been on my way to Florida right now as I type this, if I weren't still struggling with this respiratory problem that started way back in late January.  It was such a difficult decision, and as sad as I am, I know I did the right thing.  I had some help though in making that decision, something that gave me one of those light bulb moments, and helped me to understand more about myself (always good). 

I found this truly amazing article online, "How Not To Treat Yourself When Chronic Illness Strikes" .  It was written by a woman named Toni Bernhard, who has written a book called "How To Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers" .  I hadn't read the title to the book before reading the article, though.  Which was a good thing.  Because of the "stuff" I carry about my illness(es), I cringed when I did read the title.  But I think Toni would understand why.

found treasure, for me

Back to the article...if you would like to read it first, go right ahead.  It is helpful for anyone living in a human body.  I'll still be here when you return.

Toni was a Law Professor with two grown children back in 2001 when she and her husband took a trip to Paris.  While there, she became very ill with flu-like symptoms.  Probably something nearly all of us has experienced, right?  Get on a plane and catch a bug.  But for Toni, it wasn't just any bug.  She's still sick, ten years later.  Toni has been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS) and Myalgic Encephomyalitis (M/E) which has left her debilitated, rarely leaving her home, or her bed.

I didn't know all this when I read the article.  In it she explains how, after being ill for some time, she tried to do what she "felt" she should do (or really wanted to do), and took a Thanksgiving trip to see family.  She spent the entire holiday severely ill and bed-ridden, admonishing herself.  On her way home her plane was delayed, and the driver of the van that was there to meet her explained how he would have to wait for two more flights to arrive before he could drive her home.

Now for a healthy person, this would be little more than an annoyance.  For Toni, it was devastating.  She laid herself down in the back of the van, shivering and in pain.  She stayed there for awhile, and then had her realization...she would never treat anyone else the way she was treating herself.  As if she shouldn't be sick, that it was her own fault, that she was a disappointment to others.  And then she pulled herself up, went and found that driver, and explained how ill she was...he immediately called and got permission to drive her right home.

I started to cry after I read about Toni's experience.  I was in the middle of doing the same thing to myself, and not being able to make a decision about canceling my own trip.  And I realized, I have been living this way since I was diagnosed with Hodgekin's Disease at 14 years old, and through all the late effects causing me to have medical problems up to now, at 48, including the breast cancer I survived last year, and surely into my future.  I have been shivering, in the back of the van, since I was a young teenager.  I needed to go and find the driver, my driver, now.  Me.

I have a lot of digging around to do since having this realization and shedding those tears...I knew it on some level but Toni's writing really brought it home for me.  I woke up and did what I needed to do to take care of myself, and cancelled my flights.  It was hard, but I stopped beating myself up about it.

I have since read a small preview of her book on Amazon , and found that, not surprisingly, her Buddhist perspectives fit so well with the teachings of my Guru and my path of yoga.  What I read helped me to feel the loneliness and isolation of not feeling well day in and day out drop away, it was so helpful to read the words of someone who understands.  I am waiting for her book to arrive, and am so looking forward to receiving it.

So why did I cringe when I read the title?  Because if you are someone like me, that has resisted this state of illness for nearly your whole life, "sick" is a dirty, four letter word.  Something I have to work on and I'm sure will take some time, if not a lifetime.  But resistance is not part of my path, and now that I am truly aware of it, I am at least back on my path instead of taking many unaware detours off of it daily.

Dear Toni, thank you ever so much for sharing your experience.  I can't begin to tell you how it has helped me, and I haven't even read your whole book yet...so many blessings to you.

Not Quite There Yet (Spoke Too Soon)

So Sad.

Yesterday was a very difficult day, one in a stream of very many very difficult days.  I had to cancel my trip to Florida.  I was supposed to leave this coming Monday, October 10th, spend ten days with my Dad in Jacksonville and visiting with my brothers and niece and nephew, then travel along to my Guru's ashram in Salt Springs (near Ocala) where I was going to spend ten days becoming a Yoga Nidra Facilitator.  Ten days with my Guru and lots of Yoga Nidra...oh what that would have meant for me.  It was a well laid out plan that was concieved in mid-August, when it seemed as though the respiratory problem I've been having was subsiding.  But it got worse again in early September, and as you know if you've read my (novel length) last post, it turned out that a medicine I was taking was causing the problem.

So I've been off of this medicine for about three weeks now, and while I did see an improvement right away (hence speaking to soon), I got to a point where my lungs were much better, but still not healed.  I was still doing a lot of coughing.  And I never had the chance to regain my strength (I thought I was going to have at least a month and a half for that).  After nine months of coughing, I am utterly and completely exhausted, I feel completely beaten up. 

After speaking with my pulmonary doctor yesterday, we decided that my lungs need some extra help to completely clear.  I picked up my prescription for Medrol (methylprednisolone) yesterday and got it started.  I'm not happy about this, it will compromise my immune system and aggravate my nervous system, but not nearly as badly as prednisone would.  So fingers crossed that the Medrol will do the trick, and that I won't have to do a round of prednisone once the Medrol is done.

In a way I'm relieved that the decision is finally made that I'm not making the trip...struggling with the decision for so long was really taking it's toll on me.  But I'm really sad.  Working on acceptance that I'm still in this place, but still...really sad.

Coughing My Way Through Summer (After Coughing My Way Through Winter And Spring)

Krishna Das at Omega Ecstatic Chant, Skyping with Ram Dass

I am finally breathing again.  It has been a very long nine months since I've been able to do something as simple as breathe in and out, without a cough or wheeze, or reaching for my inhaler or nebulizer.  Sorry to be graphic, but I was a major mucus machine.  Several rounds of prednisone (see posts about my obliterated nervous system) and major amounts of $$ spent on nebulizer meds and rescue inhalers, along with every possible herbal and homeopathic supplement for inflammation and lung support.  And why was my asthma so off the charts?  Such a good question.  This all started in January, mind you, so this has been going on for a LONG time.   First thought it was a sinus problem, aggravating my lungs.  Enter the Neti pot, which I think really did help (my sinuses, anyway).  But my asthma still not so good.  Enter the methylprednisolone.  Nearly cleared it, but then I had a tremendous asthma attack, in March I think, so bad that my doctors initially thought I had pneumonia.  Enter the prednisone.  For way longer than I would like, and it never really cleared it completely. 

So with all my doctors weighing in, it seemed that I was just having aggravated asthma due to a combination of one of the worst allergy/pollen seasons on record, and having had an extremely complex ten hour surgery that caused an inflammation reaction in my system.  Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? 

But I was suffering.

Waking every morning coughing.  And coughing.  Trying to clear my lungs, using the nebulizer, the rescue inhaler...and lots of herbal and homeopathic supplements.  Some days my lungs would clear in an hour or two, and I would consider that a good day.  Maybe I wouldn't cough so much during the day.  Some days, many days, I would cough all day and my lungs would never quite clear.  These would be very bad days.  It would be very hard to eat on those days.  It was hard to keep food down with all that coughing.  And it was exhausting, so very exhausting.  I couldn't do anything on a day like that, and there were so very many days like that.  I couldn't lay down no matter how exhausted I was, as that would make my coughing worse.  Sleeping on propped pillows was not good for my back, but better for my lungs.  Let's just say I wasn't getting enough sleep.

So what did I do?  I soldiered on.  I was determined not to lose this summer too.  (See previous posts about how I defeated breast cancer last year.)  If there was something to do I got up and did it, only exceptions being if I was so exhausted that I could not move.  Many days were like that, but I have some pics to show off that are a testament to how I dragged myself out, coughing or not, completely depleted or not, if there was something I wanted to do.

Pete Seeger at the Strawberry Festival in June

Strawberry Shortcake at the Strawbery Festival...my favorite

Pete still going strong (and picking up trash!)  My hero

I ate scrumptious and legendary strawberry shortcake and watched Pete Seeger and his musical friends at the Strawberry Festival in June, a benefit for the Sloop Clearwater.

Sloop Clearwater on the Hudson at Cold Spring

Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams

I got to see my favorite local band, Gandalph Murphy and The Slambovian Circus of Dreams, not once but twice.  The first time was at an outdoor benefit concert in July in Cold Spring, their home town.  The Sloop Clearwater showed up that day, it was a sight to see.  Then we got to see our Grand Slambovians again a couple of weeks ago at the Towne Crier.  It was their best show ever (to date!).

Happy Smiley dog

I spent as much time outside as I could.  We got new chairs, with umbrellas attached, so I could sit out and read without worrying about the sun exposure (I am really prone to basal cell skin cancers, from all the radiation I received when I was younger for Hodgekin's Disease).  My dog, as you can see, liked our outside time.

Gurudev's harmonium, just waiting for him, at Omega in July

Beautiful butterfly on Omega campus

I spent a glorious weekend at Omega with my Guru, Yogi Amrit Desai, and his daughter, my mentor Kamini Desai in July.  It was amazing to be with them one year later, and cancer-free.  I was with them at Omega last summer when I received the breast cancer diagnosis.  It was the best place for me to be, and one year later it was like coming full circle.  With them I am always home.  As always I was with my "Gurubahin" or Guru Sister, Rekha, who I love with all my heart. 

My beautiful niece's hair, braided after slipping down the watery slide!



A rainy Lake Mahopac, we got off the deck just in time!

I spent a week in August driving back and forth to my hometown as my brother and his family came to visit.  I got to spend real quality time with my niece and nephew, and my brother too.  They live down south and I don't get to see them very often, I hadn't seen them since they came up last summer.  Web cams can't replace real hugs!  It was so hard to say goodbye to them, but I will be seeing them again very soon, in October.  More on that later!

The Newburgh waterfront, Hudson River

Full moon rising over the Hudson

My friend Dorrie and I spent a couple of fun-filled Friday evenings in August on the Newburgh waterfront.  A nice drink at an outside bar, great music, dinner outside overlooking the Hudson.  "Girl Time" we haven't had since last year, since before I was diagnosed.  We were in sore need of it, and were so grateful to have it.

Precious one day old calf at the Dutchess County Fair

Kathy and I had our annual trip to the Dutchess County Fair, and basically we ate our way through the day.  It was such fun, and it was fun to eat all kinds of things we never really eat.  Let's hear it for sugar!  The zeppoles were sooooo delicious.  We got to see lots of cows, goats, sheep, horses, and well...more cows.  We love the cows the best.  And we came home with some very pretty scarves, they were such a deal.

Deva Premal and Miten at Omega Ecstatic Chant on Labor Day

I have to say one of the most amazing things I did all year was on Labor Day.  Kathy and I went back to Omega for their special all day session of "Ecstatic Chant".  It was supposed to start at 2pm and end at midnight, it probably didn't get started until about 2:30pm, but it didn't end until about 1:30am.  I was given a great gift that day.  I woke up feeling pretty energetic, and I wasn't coughing at all.  And I didn't cough all day.  Not at all.  Not through chanting, really, all day and into the wee hours of the morning.  I still don't know why, all I could think of was that I was smiled upon, I showed up to sing the Names of the UnNameable...so I was given a pass for the day.

It poured all day.  It was the weekend that Tropical Storm Lee sent it's rains up to the Northeast.  Whenever there was a break, a short one or for meals, and coming and going...we got soaked.  When we left to go home, walking to the car, it was pitch black and the Omega walkways had become streams.  I think we were pretty much floating from the kirtan, I was soaking and up to my ankles in water and didn't really care.  The parkway on the way home had a nice layer of water on it, and the rain was torrential.  Thankfully I wasn't the one who was driving!  Kathy, you are an amazing driver.

My best pic of Krishna Das was of course the one where someone started to walk in front of me!

Skyping on the big screen with Ram Dass

The day started with Deva Premal and Miten, who were beautiful, and continued with many others, culminating in the evening with a Skype session with Ram Dass (see the video clip at the top, sooo sweet!), kirtan with Krishna Das, then Jai Uttal with the Manipuris, then the Manipuris had their own part to play.  They were last, and we stayed til the very end, even though they had gone way overtime.  They were infectious and tremendous!  If you can keep people chanting and dancing past 1am, when they've been doing it since the afternoon, you know you're rocking.  I loved Jai Uttal, his kirtan was so unique, with some chants having a reggae sound.  I found that a lot was taken from his new album "Queen of Hearts" which sounds amazing...and I have only listened to the free clips so far!  It will be in my iTunes library very soon.

But my absolute favorite, my love, was Krishna Das.  His chanting has such an effect on me.  It makes me so calm.  Which is so helpful when you are buzzing on asthma meds.  I read his book "Chants of a Lifetime" and had absolutely loved it.  I loved it so much that I started reading only a page or two a day, because I didn't want it to end.  I brought the book with me, and after he was done for the evening, and they were setting up for Jai Uttal, I asked him to sign it.  I told him how much the book meant to me.  What he wrote was beautiful, he was so sweet and kind, and we shared a precious moment.  KD you are "All Love". 

Finally, water.  Lake Canopus

The one thing that took us forever to get to do was to spend a day waterside.  Eric and I finally got to do that, in late August.  We spent a quiet, peaceful day at a lake nearby.  It was a little cool for getting in the water (for me), but Eric had a nice dip.  (I'm also still a little uncomfortable with getting into any water other than my shower because of the skin grafts.)  The day ended too soon.

I appreciated every single moment of every one of these days.  I also got to class once in awhile, and did what I could do and honored where my body is.  And shared breakfast with my sisters.  And got to see a few movies, and had lunch with some dear friends.  I worked very hard to have these moments, but I had some embarassing moments also.  I felt like I sounded like I had TB or something, and was saddened to think that some who didn't know me might have thought I was sick and spreading germs.  I wanted to wear a sign that said..."I'm not sick, I have really bad asthma!".   I did tell some people that.

I couldn't make any malas, though.  The asthma meds made my hands shake.  I can't begin to tell you how much I missed making my malas. 

And so, after nine months of coughing, you may be wondering, how is it that I'm breathing well again, and not coughing?  Well, I had gotten to the end of my rope.  I started feeling very down, and wasn't able to push myself to do much of anything.  With all the tropical weather, the coughing had gotten even worse and I was just so uncomfortable.  I started to think, really think.  Had anything changed around the time I started coughing in January.  You see, we had tried to think of everything, had the carpets cleaned, had the dog bathed and groomed, changed asthma meds, made some dietary changes, added supplements...nothing made it better. 

The only thing I finally could think of, the day before yesterday, was that I had started taking Arimidex in late November.  This is the estrogen reducing medicine I need to take to keep the cancer from recurring.  I had thought of this before, almost as a half thought.  At the time, whenever it was, I pushed the thought away, thinking an estrogen reducing drug would have nothing to do with my lungs.  But this time, being at my wit's end, I did a search for possible side effects.

Lo and behold...persistent cough.

A call to my oncologist, and being off of it for two days, and the cough (and mucus) is nearly gone.  Just some remnants of it.  With my history of being an asthmatic,  combined with the knowledge of this particular side effect...when I started having all these respiratory problems, which "persisted", should my doctors at SK have caught this?  I don't know.  Part of me thinks so.  I know they are human, and aren't infallible.  But after nine months of fighting to have at least some quality of life, I'm having a hard time with this.  Mainly, I'm overjoyed and relieved.  So excited that I can move forward now.  But I had started having flashbacks to when they couldn't figure out what I had when I was fourteen, and I was constantly coughing.  And when they finally figured it out, it was Hodgekin's Disease.  Which took three years to cure.  So this had gotten pretty heavy.

All I can do is be grateful for what is, right now.  And what is, is that I can finally breathe.  Something so simple, that we take for granted, until we really can't.  My hands will stop shaking and I will be able to make malas again. 

I can finally get my strength back.  I have a lot of work ahead of me.  We have to figure out what drug I will be able to take to replace the Arimidex.  More possible side effects, I'm sooooo not happy about that.  But I don't want to get cancer again.

Right now, I am so relieved that I will be able to make my trip to Florida in October.  I was starting to think that I wouldn't be able to go, that I was coughing way too much, and at times felt my airway was blocked.  Not safe for traveling alone.  But I can breathe now!  I will be able to visit with my family, and spend more than a week with my Guru at his ashram.  When my time there is done, I will be a Yoga Nidra Facilitator.

So, once again, another novel-length blog post.  Thank you if you've read this far.  I can breathe!

Heal

Courtesy of  "The Daily Mutts"

Sending love and healing light to all on this ten year anniversary...kajal

Sadhana Is So Difficult Because

Sadhana is so difficult because:

That which I am searching for is me.

That which acts as an enemy is me,

and that which is attempting to get rid of the self-destructive me is also me.

I am the obstruction and I am the way.

That which obstructs is my own creation caused by my unconscious patterns.

The “I” that is the light of consciousness is obscured by unconsciousness.

That which I am searching for is hidden

behind all the false images I hold of myself.

That which remains and cannot be removed after

getting rid of all that I have acquired is the real me

By my Guru, Yogi Amrit Desai...Jai Gurudev

I know I am so far behind in my updates.  I will write soon.  For now, I wanted to share this with you.
Jai Bhagwan dear ones, love to all...Kajal.

Baby Goats, Goat Milk Soap and the Sweetest Little Village Ever



Habanero (taking his place in the spotlight), and his pal Mischief, in front of the Beekman 1802 Mercantile in Sharon Springs, NY

The weekend before my thyroid biopsy and ultrasound, Eric and I took a day trip up north and slightly west for a very special Garden Party.  One of my favorite new docu-series is The Fabulous Beekman Boys, on Planet Green.  It's about Brent and Josh, "two city boys who bought a farm" and "the whole lotta drama" that goes along with it.  I just love it, and watching them was such a nice distraction as I recovered from my surgery.  Too make the farm profitable, and so Josh can quit his advertising day job in NYC, they started making goat milk soap.  Beekman 1802 was born. 

It turns out that Sharon Springs, where those fabulous boys have their farm and mercantile, is only a little over a two hour drive from us, so when we found out that the village was having a Garden Party, we were excited to go.  My breathing had been a little better and I was happy to have a reason not to think about having a needle stuck in my neck (funny to think that turned out to be the least of the day).  We love taking day trips up north, one of our favorites has been Saratoga Springs (if you have never had a mineral bath there, you need to go!).  Coincidentally, Sharon Springs, years ago in it's heyday, was also a go-to place for "taking the waters".  

The drive was gorgeous and we were so grateful that the weather was just as beautiful.  We found Brent at the Mercantile, who was so gracious in helping me pick out a birthday gift for a friend (who also deserves credit for finding them on Planet Green!).  I also took home some lovely goat milk soap for myself, which makes my hands oh so soft.  We had a wonderful time walking among all the Garden Party vendors, who were all just sweet as can be.  We felt so at home!  Later in the day Josh showed up at the Mercantile after leading tours of the farm all day.  Josh is also a New York Times Bestselling Author, his latest book is The Bucolic Plague: How Two Manhattanites Became Gentleman Farmers.  I had read it and just loved it.  I was able to say hello and tell him how much I loved his book, and he was sooooo nice, I got not one, but two hugs!  We talked a little about advertising (my past career life), but mostly I wanted to tell him how much I loved his book (yes down to quoting lines from it, I am such a dork!  in a good way).  He was very touched, and hence, my second hug  :)

Brent had told us to watch our email for the newsletter arriving soon which would announce that farm tour tickets would be on sale for the Harvest Festival, in the fall.  Lucky for me I had my laptop turned on two days ago when it arrived, and we were lucky enough to score two tickets (they have already sold out!).  I am looking forward to meeting Polka Spot, their diva of a llama, Farmer John and all the goats, and most of all getting to see Brent and Josh again.  I want to tell Josh how much I loved his first book, I Am Not Myself These Days, which I just finished reading.  Josh is a former Drag Queen, and proud of it.  It was completely engrossing, an amazing story, and I couldn't put it down.  Another hug here I come! 

Eric was quick to point out that I am the only person he knows that would finish The Bhagavad Gita (the most beautiful thing I have ever read), pick up a book about a former drag queen turned gentleman farmer, and then go on to a book about chanting (Krishna Das' "Chants of a Lifetime".  Which is not just about chanting.  And I'm loving it).

It was wonderful walking around Sharon Springs, it was so lovely and everyone so kind (and the baby goats so adorable), and I felt somewhat like a human being that day.  And, more importantly, I ordered those farm tour tickets without hesitating, and this event doesn't happen until the end of September.  For me, that is huge.  For a long time now (years) I have not done anything remotely like making plans for more than a week or so in advance.  Because I felt I could never know how I would be feeling beyond that, or what could possibly happen in the meantime. 

But I made plans, without hesitating, for the end of September. 

That was a big, big step.

I am so looking forward to our next trip to Sharon Springs and our Beekman Farm tour. 

Little Blue Birdie

If you look over to the right of the blog page, you will see a little blue birdie, who says "follow me".  He is not flying into the forest, he is flying over to Twitter (in case, like me, you have been under a rock for the past few years and are not already part of the tweeting universe).  I have set up a twitter account (finally) so that I can get updates out more quickly (and they have to be quick ones, no novels there!  Maybe that's why it took me so long) and so I can tweet mala pics when they start coming (soon!).

Happy tweeting!

The Blood Clot that Wasn't

That's right...I don't have a blood clot (see previous post, if you have the time to read a novel).  I never had a blood clot.  Apparently I have some "post-operative changes" that masqueraded as a blood clot on the ultrasound.  From the MRI though, they could see that there is no blood clot.  And according to my oncologist, there is nothing there that is anything to be concerned about.

Of course I asked "are you sure?" about a dozen times.  Because the radiologist most certainly told me I had a blood clot.  I was assured, with a great amount of patience, that there is definitely not a blood clot.  There is nothing of any concern.  No medication/procedure necessary.

So why don't I feel relieved?

I guess I feel a little relieved.  But not as relieved as I thought I would feel.  I guess this was all just a little too much after the year that I've had.  Some added PTSD.  So I'm just accepting that that's where I'm at right now, and using my teachings and tools...I'll return soon enough.

In the meantime, my fingers are starting to itch for my knotting tool...

Spent

I spoke to a dear friend a day or so ago, and when she asked how I was, that is how I replied.  Spent.  I think that is the best way to describe it.  It has been far too long since I have posted anything here...lovely souls and dear friends have been asking how I am and what has been going on.  I have just not been up to writing.

I'll try to do a quick recap of the past two months (as you know I am not very good at "quick" anything but I'll do my best).  I believe I left off sometime during the prednisone stage, and hoping to be able to get off antibiotic treatment after six months.  Thankfully my favorite Infectious Disease specialist felt that it was in my best interest to stop the Levaquin (heavy duty stuff).  We will never know for sure if the infection in my sternum has been completely cleared, there really isn't any way to tell, but my Thoracic Surgeon felt very strongly that he had removed the damaged area fully during my surgery.  The antibiotics were basically insurance, and their downside had started to outweigh their benefit.  I couldn't regain the weight I lost during surgery, I was so nauseous, and so fatigued.  In other words, I couldn't get strong and fully recover from the surgery while on antibiotics.  So the antibiotic therapy was stopped after 6 months, in the last week of April.  I can't begin to explain what that first night off antibiotics felt like, not feeling so sick to my stomach and being able to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  I did not, and still do not, take that feeling for granted. 

Unfortunately my lungs would not cooperate with this forward march in my healing journey.  Every time I tried to taper off the prednisone, they would revolt.  Up and down I went on the prednisone, three times.  My nervous system was obliterated.  Even after I was finally able to come off it completely, after about a month, my lungs were still not quite right.  I still had a horrible cough, although my lungs were clear.  Every day they were a little better, and so I weathered it.  I had been coughing for a full FIVE months.  A bad asthma episode led into a very bad allergy/pollen season (worst on record apparently), and my lungs have not fully recovered still.   A dear friend who is a nurse recommended an herbal supplement specifically for supporting the lungs, and I believe that has helped.  But to say that coughing and having trouble breathing for so long was completely exhausting is an understatement.  I have been completely depleted and without a normally functioning nervous system for quite some time now.

I was finally able to make my appointment with the Head and Neck Surgeon last month after rescheduling at least three times.  I have a nodule on my thyroid which has not been looked after in quite some time.  It apparently "lit up" during my PET scans when I was first diagnosed with the breast cancer so of course my Oncologist wanted me to see the Head and Neck guy.  I have had this nodule for about ten years, I have had biopsies and ultrasounds and it had always been benign.  But I haven't had anything done to check it in about six years.  I was a little busy with the divorce, then my mom's leukemia, then losing my mom, then my sternum infection...then breast cancer.  Just a little busy.  I have been Hypothyroid since I was 17 years old, from the radiation from the Hodgekin's, and apparently nodules are not uncommon.

The Head and Neck Surgeon at SK was wonderful and sweet, he felt that the nodule was benign but wanted to do a fine needle biopsy and ultrasound to be sure.  He felt that even if we found it to be benign, that I should consider having the surgery to remove the thyroid because I am at risk for thyroid cancer from the high doses of radiation I received as a child, and because the nodule is quite visible in my slender, and as he said, "beautiful" neck (as I said, he was a sweetie).  So we scheduled the ultrasound and fine needle biopsy, which was a week ago yesterday.

I had a difficult time the morning of the biopsy.  I am usually fairly able to center myself before testing or appointments at SK, but that morning I was way off and couldn't ground myself.  I really don't know why, I think it's possible that all these months of difficulties with my lungs, and all the steroid treatments and asthma medicines that had affected my nervous system had really done some damage.

They started the ultrasound and after a little while the technician started concentrating very heavily in the same spot.  This is never a good sign.  Then she went to get someone else, and whispered "see?" to the other person and they continued to whisper to each other.  Very bad sign.  I tried very hard not to have a meltdown.  My nerves are so badly damaged.  I started to repeat my Guru Mantra over and over in my mind, trying to calm myself.  The second woman announced herself as a radiologist and then said she would be right back.  The first technician started to tell me how they found something that would need to be looked at further, I honestly didn't understand a word she said.  She said the radiologist would explain further.  I love SK, they have saved my life, but in this case they really didn't handle this very well.  The radiologist came back and explained that I had a blood clot.  A blood clot?  Very hazy after that.  My nerves just would not cooperate.  She mentioned I may have to go to Urgent Care.  Urgent Care?  I realized that was just a nice way of saying emergency room.  They said they were contacting my Oncologist and would still go forward with the fine needle biopsy.  Try staying still while someone sticks a needle in your neck and thinking that you're going to have to go to the ER afterward.  I did though, very still.  I'm a pro.

Then there was waiting while Cytology made sure that they had enough cells from the first stick to do the biopsy.  Sometimes it takes up to three sticks.  Lucky for me they had enough cells from the first stick.  Lucky me!  Turned out the needle in my neck was the easiest part of that morning, I was thinking, go ahead, stick me again.  I may have left my body briefly during that time anyway.

Then more ultrasound to check the thyroid after it had a needle stuck into it, and more imaging of this "new finding".  This was what they were calling it.  I guess that sounds nicer than blood clot.

The radiologist then announces that she needs to show the additional images to her staff and that she will be back, and is out of the room in a flash.  She left me lying flat on my back, in a hospital gown and full of ultrasound goo.  Can I get up?  Can I get dressed?  I have spent enough time flat on my back, in a hospital, in a hospital gown...if I am done then this is not necessary.  I sit up and try to get someone's, anyone's, attention out in the hallway.  Finally I get the attention of the first technician.  Can I get dressed?  Do I need a bandage on my neck?  I get a bandaid, which I found later was not even centered on the spot where the needle entered.  Sticky bandaid end was over the spot.  With that the radiologist comes back in with a post it note with my Oncologist's office number on it (which is programmed into my cell phone), with the instructions to call her in a half an hour.  She is looking into additional testing, and that I can go back to the waiting room.

I am dazed and confused.  I try to wipe all the goo off, then get dressed.  I walk the wrong way four (yes four) times.  I get back to the waiting room...and...no Eric.

Meltdown.

We had been running a little late on the way into the city, there was traffic on the FDR, so he dropped me off at the Main Hospital where I was having my testing and then went to park the car.  When he hadn't gotten to Radiology by the time they called my name, I wasn't really concerned, there was probably more traffic, he probably stopped at Dunkin' Donuts for coffee (he did)...but when he wasn't there when I got back, two  hours later...

I pull out my cell phone to call him, and there is no service???  I walk further and further and finally I have a signal.  Why there was no signal in that area I have no idea.  He answers and I say "WHERE ARE YOU?"  Yes all caps, that was basically how it came out.  He was in the wrong waiting room.  Very confusing floor in the hospital, radiology, radiation, you say tomato, I say...you get the idea.  He finds me, we sit down and I am trembling and counting minutes to call my oncologist, thinking that I will have to go to the ER.  I try using all my tools and teachings but I am clearly beyond what my nerves have the capability of handling right now.

If you have read this far then you deserve to be sainted.

When I call my oncologist's office, the strangest thing happens.  I fully expect that there will be a sense of urgency.  I heard the words "blood clot" and "urgent care", wouldn't you expect urgency?  I am told by the assistant that she will call me later in the day or tomorrow to schedule some testing.  Huh?  I said to her "I can go home?"  I am so confused.  She says, oh yes, go home, enjoy the rest of the day, nothing can be scheduled for today.  But don't I have a blood clot?  Don't I need Urgent Care?

I am so unsettled as we make our way out of the hospital, and walk a few blocks to get the car, and on the ride home.  And as we get something to eat on the way.  I am so unsettled.  I get a call on my cell phone when we are almost home.  It's my oncologist's nurse.  She says they want to schedule a CAT scan.  I remind her that I had a very bad reaction to the IV contrast during the last one I had, and can't go through that again.  (My heart rate exploded to over 130 bpm, it had aggravated my arrhythmia.)  Then another strange thing happens.  I mention "blood clot" and she says that my oncologist was not told that it was a blood clot that they had found earlier, that it was most likely a post-operative change or radiation scarring, but wanted further testing to be sure.  Huh?  They most certainly told me it was a blood clot.  Am I now walking around with a blood clot that can kill me in a second because of some miscommunication down at SK that allowed me to leave the hospital when I shouldn't have?  I don't actually say that out loud, at least not like that.  She assures me that it was okay to wait to do the testing, and says that it would also be possible, although not optimal, to do an MRI of the neck to check things out further.  Too make an even longer story shorter, I have an MRI done the day after next, in the area where I live, and overnight the CD of the images down to SK to be received on Friday.

Then I waited.

Not just to find out about this maybe or maybe not blood clot, but also to find out if I had thyroid cancer. 

All weekend.

Then Monday.

When I didn't hear anything by mid-morning on Tuesday, I started making some calls.

And then I had to wait some more.

The good, most excellent news is that the biopsy showed the nodule to be benign, and I don't have thyroid cancer.  The surgeon and I decided to do a follow up visit and ultrasound in six months, and do some deciding about surgery then.  We had originally planned surgery for the fall, back when I saw him last month.  But I am too depleted.  Spent.  It will probably have to wait until next year. 

Oh and I also have about a billion sites on my skin that are either definitely basal cell or might be, and need to be biopsied and removed (I've been just a little too busy to get around to that.  For way too long).  Another gift of the high doses of radiation that I had when I was younger.  In my life I have already had upwards of 22 basal cells removed.  My back looks vaguely like a map of the Highway System.  I really need to have them looked at, it is soooo way overdue.  So if I can hold off on thyroid surgery, I think I will definitely be doing that.  And I would like some time to rest. To get on my yoga mat.  To make some malas.  A respite, if you will...if that's at all possible.

Because as of yesterday, Radiology is reviewing the MRI images, so I still don't know what the deal is regarding this "new finding".  Yesterday I was told that my oncologist had been out of the office, and that hopefully she would have some information tomorrow.  Which is now today. 

So now there is more waiting.

I will try to post as soon as I hear, and just in general, to post more consistently, so that my posts don't all end up looking more like novels than posts.

Thank you all for all your love and support.

Altered Nervous System, Part 2

Courtesy of "The Daily Mutts"

Oh, how I wish I could be sitting on my meditation cushion like Mooch here.  Doesn't he look so peaceful?  Unfortunately my internal (and external) state is anything but.  Actually, it feels more like a nuclear meltdown.

In my last post I related how my terrible asthmatic episode had been slowly clearing...thanks to the help of a little pill called methylprednisolone.  I had let the asthma go on too long, trying to avoid taking this medicine because of how it affects the nervous system and compromises the immune system.  But I had to do it, it had gotten really bad...and it nearly had it cleared.

Then a week ago Tuesday I started to run a temp in the early evening...and the asthma just exploded.  Beyond that I was scheduled for three appointments down at SK on Wednesday.  Talk about bad timing.  I completely freaked out my SK docs, who thought I had pneumonia.  Eric drove me down to my Pulmonary Specialist who is my main man (he's been my doc for well over ten years) who is much closer and easier to get to than NYC...I shivered the whole way down in the car, and when I finally had my chest x-ray, thankfully, sooooo thankfully, I did not have pnuemonia.

I likely had a touch of a flu virus that has been going around, which aggravated the nearly cleared asthma.  I'm still on the long-term antibiotics (more on that later), so a virus as opposed to something bacterial made sense.  Thankfully I have a very calm, sensible primary doctor who tested my white blood cell count, didn't find it to be too elevated, and held off on adding an additional antibiotic.  Amazingly my temp came down in the car on the way home...and didn't come back (may have been the dose of Oscillo I took, that stuff is amazing).  The bad news was that a course of methylprednisolone would not be strong enough to clear what was going on in my lungs....so I am on a course of the big guns...prednisone.

Prednisone takes your nervous system and basically obliterates it.  I do not get to sleep until I've been up for like 20 hours, and then collapse from exhaustion.  It causes this internal conflict in that your body is speeding along like a rocket, but you feel so tired at the same time.  Not comfortable at all.

It also pounces on your immune system.  I had an event to attend last Sunday...my beautiful yoga sister Mary was hosting a workshop at her yoga studio, her first big one.  And she wasn't hosting just anybody, she was hosting our amazing teacher, Kamini Desai.  I was supposed to be out front checking people in.  Like I said, really bad timing.

Our bright and shining Kamini, kaminidesai.com

I called my doc on Friday and said I was breathing better, and how did he feel about me going to an event with over 30 people on Sunday?  I didn't expect to be able to go, but I thought, couldn't hurt to ask.  To my surprise, he told me I could go, as long as I didn't hug or touch anyone (that was so hard, I haven't seen many of my yoga sisters in sooooo long), and made sure to wash hands often, sanitize, stay in my own space, etc.  So that is what I did, I wore rubber gloves while checking everyone in, and it was a wonderful workshop experience.  The last time I saw Kamini I had just finished a week with her and Gurudev at Omega, the week last summer that I had found out I had breast cancer.  Now here I was with her again, healing and recovering, and cancer-free!  It felt wonderful, and like I had come nearly full circle.

Because I had only been on the prednisone for a few days I hadn't started really speeding yet, which I am so grateful for.  Now I'm saturated with it, so I feel like a rocket ship being held still as it tries to shoot through space.  I have a few days of it left to go, the dose tapers down but it stays in your system for awhile.  It makes my hands shake, so no mala making yet, and I am frustrated about that (I have so many malas planned and all those gorgeous beads from the bead show!).  If I need to use a knife I ask for help.  I want to make a green juice right now, but I have to wait for help with chopping cucumbers, celery and pears.  No unnecessary trips to the hospital for me, thank you very much.

But my lungs are nearly cleared and so, I am so grateful for this medicine, even if it makes me feel like a volcanic explosion inside.

I have most of my SK appointments rescheduled, and a very important one is this Tuesday.  I will be going to see the Infectious Disease Specialist, who will be deciding if six months of antibiotics is enough to make sure that the infection that was in my sternum never comes back.  I hope and pray that it is.  I can't keep weight on and I can just feel it destroying my gut.  Probiotics can only do so much.  I want to get strong again, start moving, and mainly, be on my yoga mat.  That is what I need the most in this world right now.  Hopefully my lungs and the Infectious Disease doc cooperate.

Altered Nervous System

Hello dear ones...I just wanted to write a quick post as I have been away from the blog for far too long, and many lovely souls from Etsy and elsewhere have been asking how I'm feeling.  I had a terrible asthma episode in late January, which necessitated having to take a nasty medicine called methylprednisolone.  It takes some time to clear the asthma, but it does work, but has some very uncomfortable side effects.  The main disturbance happens in my nervous system, which goes completely out of whack and makes me feel like I drank a hundred Red Bulls (not that I have ever actually drank one, but from what I gather it makes you quite speedy).  So it aggravates my anxiety disorder and restless legs syndrome, and since I haven't been able to get on my yoga mat, since you need to be able to breathe to do yoga, I had very little help in reducing  these effects.  It is still in my system and I'm still trying to work it out as best I can.

It also compromises the immune system, so I was basically in quarantine for weeks...cabin fever is really an understatement in this case.

So there have been no malas, no blogging...not much of anything except trying to get through the day as best I could (thank goodness for Eckhart Tolle TV and Netflix!).  The cough is finally subsiding and I've been able to cut down on my nebulizer medicine just a bit, so I am heading in the right direction.  I was able to make it to the bead show last weekend, I was so determined as it only comes twice a year.  So when my energies are back where they belong, there will be some lovely new malas in the shop.  The one I have been really aching to make is aquamarine...look for that one first!

I do have some very good news...I had my follow up CT scan and appointment with my thoracic surgeon at SK late last week.  Everything is looking very good...no change in my CT scan, my surgeon sooo happy with how I'm healing.  I got very watery as I thanked him over and over for not just saving my life (no more breast cancer) but for saving my quality of life.  The infection in my sternum had made me feel, for over two years, that my chest was on fire, in constant pain, and not able to do much of anything.  No yoga, that was the hardest to accept.  So he really gave me my life back, and this is not an understatement.  His eyes filled up as I gave him a great big thank you hug.  And so with that I was discharged from his care...one down and several to go.

Several in that I have a pulmonary appointment in a week and a half, and then at the end of the month I will be heading back to SK for three appointments in one day...first, the Infectious Disease doctor who will hopefully be telling me that 6 months of antibiotics will be enough to make sure that the infection in my sternum doesn't come back.  I have 5 months down, one to go.  After that I will be seeing the Head/Neck surgeon, who will probably tell me that I will be needing surgery to have my thyroid removed.  I'll be crossing that bridge when I get to it.  My last appointment that day will be with my oncologist, which should just be a quick follow up and checking in to make sure my system is doing okay with the hormone reducing meds.  That will be a very busy day!

So that should bring everyone up to speed...thank you all for your lovely inquiries, they really do make me feel so loved and supported, especially when I can't breathe very well or do much of anything.  Spring is almost here and with it will bring all kinds of new beginnings, hopefully including lots of malas and yoga.  Hooray!    

Where's the Buddha?

Buddha under a snow blanket with a snow cap on his head  :)

I think that somehow our weather patterns here in New York got switched with those of Siberia.  Or the North Pole.  Or the Antarctic.  I'm expecting to see a Polar Bear any day now.  And it's still snowing, supposedly all day, through tomorrow with some freezing rain and ice accumulations thrown on top.  Slippery!

For me, I get to look outside and admire the beauty of it, not having to worry about having to be somewhere.  I am really feeling though, for all the people that have had to trudge out in this weather every morning, with the stress of driving in dangerous conditions.  That has to be taking it's toll and my heart goes out to them.

Yes, the Buddha under almost two feet of snow in this pic is the same Buddha from the blog header pic, who peacefully sits under the lovely Redbud tree in my backyard.  Quite a difference in weather conditions!  Spring to winter, how things change.  And not just the weather.  When I snapped that picture in the spring, there was not a thought of cancer in my head, today I'm three months post op and cancer free.  Amazing!

The view from where I sit...just a little snow

I'm expecting that by later today we won't be able to see Buddha at all anymore, but we'll know he's still there.  We may not see him again until spring...along with many more changes in weather, and surely many other things.

A quick update on how I'm feeling...thankfully the pain has been lessening (can I get a Hallelujah!) and I'm taking less and less pain medication.  I took my first drive by myself last week.  It was to the post office, not very many miles away, but in progress for me, it was light years!  What has stunted my moving forward over the past few weeks has been my asthma.  I was coughing so hard a few days ago I hurt my rib...creating a line of pain from my skin graft on my back around the side of my body to my rib cage.  Ouch!  More pain meds.  That has been healing though, and the asthma is not as bad, but it is still not good.  I think I have been inside too much with all this dry air.  I really can't get out much though, because somehow we have been transported to Alaska!  

You may have noticed that the Malachite mini mala disappeared rather quickly, which was nice.  Then one day I was just called to create the Turquoise mala I talked about in my last post.  There was just no stopping it!

I couldn't help myself...Turquoise and Red Jasper, 108 beads

I will definitely take pictures when the Polar Bears arrive, I promise.