Found Treasure

Well I would have been on my way to Florida right now as I type this, if I weren't still struggling with this respiratory problem that started way back in late January.  It was such a difficult decision, and as sad as I am, I know I did the right thing.  I had some help though in making that decision, something that gave me one of those light bulb moments, and helped me to understand more about myself (always good). 

I found this truly amazing article online, "How Not To Treat Yourself When Chronic Illness Strikes" .  It was written by a woman named Toni Bernhard, who has written a book called "How To Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers" .  I hadn't read the title to the book before reading the article, though.  Which was a good thing.  Because of the "stuff" I carry about my illness(es), I cringed when I did read the title.  But I think Toni would understand why.

found treasure, for me

Back to the article...if you would like to read it first, go right ahead.  It is helpful for anyone living in a human body.  I'll still be here when you return.

Toni was a Law Professor with two grown children back in 2001 when she and her husband took a trip to Paris.  While there, she became very ill with flu-like symptoms.  Probably something nearly all of us has experienced, right?  Get on a plane and catch a bug.  But for Toni, it wasn't just any bug.  She's still sick, ten years later.  Toni has been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS) and Myalgic Encephomyalitis (M/E) which has left her debilitated, rarely leaving her home, or her bed.

I didn't know all this when I read the article.  In it she explains how, after being ill for some time, she tried to do what she "felt" she should do (or really wanted to do), and took a Thanksgiving trip to see family.  She spent the entire holiday severely ill and bed-ridden, admonishing herself.  On her way home her plane was delayed, and the driver of the van that was there to meet her explained how he would have to wait for two more flights to arrive before he could drive her home.

Now for a healthy person, this would be little more than an annoyance.  For Toni, it was devastating.  She laid herself down in the back of the van, shivering and in pain.  She stayed there for awhile, and then had her realization...she would never treat anyone else the way she was treating herself.  As if she shouldn't be sick, that it was her own fault, that she was a disappointment to others.  And then she pulled herself up, went and found that driver, and explained how ill she was...he immediately called and got permission to drive her right home.

I started to cry after I read about Toni's experience.  I was in the middle of doing the same thing to myself, and not being able to make a decision about canceling my own trip.  And I realized, I have been living this way since I was diagnosed with Hodgekin's Disease at 14 years old, and through all the late effects causing me to have medical problems up to now, at 48, including the breast cancer I survived last year, and surely into my future.  I have been shivering, in the back of the van, since I was a young teenager.  I needed to go and find the driver, my driver, now.  Me.

I have a lot of digging around to do since having this realization and shedding those tears...I knew it on some level but Toni's writing really brought it home for me.  I woke up and did what I needed to do to take care of myself, and cancelled my flights.  It was hard, but I stopped beating myself up about it.

I have since read a small preview of her book on Amazon , and found that, not surprisingly, her Buddhist perspectives fit so well with the teachings of my Guru and my path of yoga.  What I read helped me to feel the loneliness and isolation of not feeling well day in and day out drop away, it was so helpful to read the words of someone who understands.  I am waiting for her book to arrive, and am so looking forward to receiving it.

So why did I cringe when I read the title?  Because if you are someone like me, that has resisted this state of illness for nearly your whole life, "sick" is a dirty, four letter word.  Something I have to work on and I'm sure will take some time, if not a lifetime.  But resistance is not part of my path, and now that I am truly aware of it, I am at least back on my path instead of taking many unaware detours off of it daily.

Dear Toni, thank you ever so much for sharing your experience.  I can't begin to tell you how it has helped me, and I haven't even read your whole book yet...so many blessings to you.