Bringing In The Big Guns

These words aren't easy for me to type...the Medrol didn't work.  It seemed to work for the first couple of days when I was at the high dose, but as it tapered down, it was pretty obvious that my symptoms were not going away.  My last dose was yesterday in the morning, and so I waited hopefully for another 24 hours to see if it just needed a little more time for what was left in my system to finally clear my lungs.  This morning it was evident that I was going to have to call my pulmonary doctor.  My lungs had gotten even worse.

I allowed myself  a few moments to feel "just as I felt" as I waited for him to return my call.  That is, devastated.  I didn't have "feelings" about my "feelings".  I allowed them just to be.  My nervous system is already affected by the Medrol, and my immune system already compromised.  When Dr. M calls me back, he is going to say I will have to go on Prednisone (the big guns).  I am going to be a big mess physically in many ways.  My skin grafts, which can get dry and then painful, are not going to be happy about this.  Prednisone dries them out completely.  It will be all I can do to keep them lubed up with really good lotion so my skin doesn't tighten around me like a boa constrictor.  My nervous system will be obliterated.  My immune system will take another huge hit and I will now rarely leave the house until the course is complete. 

When Dr. M called me back soon after (he is sweet, kind and attentive...I am so blessed to have him as my doc), he of course said that the Prednisone was necessary.  An extended course even, as whatever is going on in my system is beyond stubborn.  I crumbled just a little, asked him, "Dr. M, do you think that medicine could have caused permanent damage to my lungs?".  (See previous post about what is probably the cause of all this...Arimidex.)  He calmly said no, he didn't think so.  That he thought that the Prednisone would clear it this time.  As I thanked him for all he does for me (by the time I called the pharmacy to ask them to call me when it was ready, they already had the prescription request in their computer system), I couldn't help but get all teary.  I am so tired, beyond tired.  Can you ever imagine coughing and coughing, all day long on many days...for nine months straight?

After letting myself feel devastated for a little while, I tried to come back to center.  I can't change this.  I've done all I can do.  Eric ran to pick up the prescription and the first dose is now traveling through my system.  This is my present moment.  Gurudev said this to me when I first found out I had breast cancer: "Give it to God and Guru, and Do The Next Thing".  It has been my go to mantra ever since, it never fails me.  I have surrendered as best I can, given it up to my beloved Guru and the UnNameable...and making my way on to the next thing.